a "comedy" of errors

have you ever had one of those months where you think maybe, just maybe, the universe is taking a GIANT SHIT on you?

for whatever reason, this year has been really hard on business.  not just for us, apparently, but for our entire company, despite them putting more money into advertising than usual.  who knew?  i just thought we were having a slow year, you know, since we ARE a new business and all.  and sure, that's annoying.  but it's life.

life.  i'm starting to think that the entire concept is some type of colossal joke played on the unwary.

it all STARTED when the bank, which had pre-approved us for a house renovation loan, was like LOL JUST KIDDING WE AIN'T EVEN ABOUT TO GIVE YOU ANY MONEY, SUCKERS.

related:  FUCK WELLS FARGO IN ALL OF ITS HOLES.

so we regrouped, and applied at different banks.  for two separate types of loans.  but HA, since we're self-employed basically, all THOSE banks were like HAHA NOPE, THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL WE'RE EVEN THINKING ABOUT GIVING YOU ANY MONEY.  SUCKERS.

which led to... renting the expensive rental house for much longer than originally intended.
which led to... using money set aside for living purposes, on rent.

long story short, eventually we ran out of money.  seeing as how we don't HAVE any business.  fall is usually our crazy busy time, but we have barely anything booked.  and i think we've had 3 gigs in the last 3 months, if that tells you exactly how bad things have become.

having utterly exhausted every possible avenue for a house loan, we wound up at a dead end.  apparently the only way forward was for Matt to get a day job, and hopefully try again for a loan in 6 months, with the added attraction of a steady paycheck.  meanwhile, since we bought our house outright, every penny we have is tied up in this house... and no income.  had we KNOWN we wouldn't get a loan, we would have just done some minor repairs, and moved into the house as it was.  we wouldn't have been PLEASED, but at least we would HAVE A FUCKING PLACE TO LIVE.

but noooo, the universe HAD OTHER FUCKERY PLANNED.

about a month and a half ago, we were late on rent.  FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.  so naturally, our piece of shit fuckhat landlord's first reaction was not to talk to us, but to call a lawyer and start eviction proceedings.  BECAUSE THAT'S THE NORMAL THING TO DO, AND ALL.  we did get him to quit that shit, because seriously, the last thing we need is THAT on our credit while trying to get a fucking house loan.  but the way Matt got him to drop it... was to tell him that we'd be out of the house in 20 days.  thankfully my brother had already planned on moving... but it certainly didn't lessen the chaos involved.

the next time i get notice that i'll be moving in less than 30 days, i'm just going to burn the fucking house down, with me in it.
because that will be easier.

i'm sure all of you have moved at least once in your life, so i won't bore you with the tedious details, although i will mention that apparently getting a fridge stuck in the front door of a house is easier than you would imagine, and much harder to free than previously assumed.

the last week of moving was a complete clusterfuck.  i think we maybe got sleep on three nights out of the entire week.  my feet swelled and made every step an agony, from my toes to my neck.  this is the only time i've moved that i've had ZERO friends help, not even with the insanely heavy stuff (see fridge comments above), so it was all up to me and Matt.

also related:  side-eyeing all of Austin right now, until my feet stop hurting after about 15 minutes of standing on them. and until my muscles relax enough that i stop waking up with tension migraines.

meanwhile, while all of this was going on, we started looking for apartments.  HAHA, SAYS THE UNIVERSE.  because of all times to move, in Austin, August is THE ABSOLUTE WORST.  University of Texas starts up in August, so 20,000 students descend and make the entire city a little crazy.  we were asking for apartment for Aug 15th.  most places would then tell us they had one free... for October 1st.

turned out not to matter anyway, because HEY, moving is expensive as hell, and so are massive storage units! especially ones that must fit your entire house into it.  so by the time we finally got out of the RAT FINK BASTARD MOTHERFUCKER landlord's shitty house (3 days late i might add, because NO HELP and all), we were completely and totally piss poor and fucked.  to my absolute complete lack of surprise.  because really, once the universe starts stomping on you this hard, you just wait for the next bit of bad news.

the one saving grace of this situation was that we DO have a (fucking saintly) friend who is letting us, and the cats, stay in her ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT.  because she is a (saintly) crazy person.

related:  i don't care how much you LOVE THE FUCK out of anyone, ever.  three people in a one bedroom place will drive you INSANE and make you long for privacy like nothing you've ever experienced before.  i had more room in my college dorm.  even though i'm INSANELY GRATEFUL to not be living in my car... it's awfully nice to be able to go pee in peace without waking up one or two people on the way.

to the end of giving us ALL some space, i went to stay with another friend for a week.  while i was gone, one of the cats ran away, and we haven't seen her since.  because OF COURSE that would happen.

oh, and Matt lost his job.  BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY!!

::INSANE "MIGHT AS WELL LOCK ME UP NOW" LAUGH::

just for funzies, i'm also running out of my asthma meds which i REALLY can't afford.  i've already stretched my prescription as far as it could possibly go.  they're like $500 a month.  so in about a month, i have no idea what the fuck to do about that.

we are pretty much as fucked as anyone can be, and i'm just hoping we can scrape up enough money to pay the phone bill and the storage unit, so that they don't sell everything i own, and i can still talk to the rest of the world.

this may be a great time to mention that we need, NEEEED, new tires for the car.  and this was very obviously demonstrated by me having a huge blowout while going 80 on the highway.  the entire fucking tire exploded and shredded.  i'd normally post a pic, but since we don't have any internet where we're staying, i'm just glad to be able to camp at this coffee shop and scream like a banshee into the wilderness of the internet at all.

NORMALLY, i would say at this point, if ONE MORE fucked up thing happens, i'm giving up, throwing all my shit in a moving van, and going to live with my mom.  even if she DOES live in alabama.  but HAHAHAHA not only has my brother done exactly that already, but my mom has fucking enough to think about, since my stepdad (who was supposed to be going into remission) just learned that his cancer has metastasized to Stage 4, they don't even know WHERE yet, but HEYYYY.  and with all that going on, even THINKING about asking my mom for money is a fucking joke.

AGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGGHHG FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

if you hear of a Mel in Austin going absolutely batshit and stabbing someone/setting things on fire/found on highway naked and raving....

well, you'll know why.

LOOK WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO MY HOUSE!!!

hey!  you may have noticed that i added a wee banner to the right there...

::trust me.  i'm pointing to the right.  scroll down a bit... yep!::

I'MMA GONNA BE A BOOOKSLUUUUT!!!!

just imagine me either taking copious bows, or jumping and squeeing, whichever gets your rocks off more.

actually, you may also have noticed that i have been THE WORST BLOGGER for the past year or so.  and i have plans to fix that... mostly in the form of thoughts like "i should blog more, goddamnit."  i'm admittedly bad at planning.

SO!

it's official.  hell has frozen over, cuz we bought a house.  yes, an entire damn house.

it is a tiny house.  it is a house in much need of repair.  but it is a HOUSE!!

now keep in mind... these photos are BEFORE the chaos...

le living room.  do not let its fancy appearance fool you.  it liiiies.  those aren't even real beams on the ceiling.  they're just pretending.  note the lovely popcorn ceiling! /gag

this is gonna be full of musical instruments.  um... soon.  yeah.

our friendly neighborhood realtor, who is like 6'4" (also the music room)

i don't think i need to tell you why the kitchen had to be gutted.  it measured maybe 3 feet between sink and stove.  The Matt is 5'8".  it would be a head hazard just to wash the dishes.

it was THE TINIEST, and would barely fit two of us in it at all, much less if we were actually planning on cooking a thing.

HA.  because i totally cook, right?
snort.

these pictures make the house look pretty nice, actually.  what you can't see from where you sit is the terribly uneven floors, and what looks like vinyl shelf liner applied as "flooring" directly over the concrete slab... complete with bubbling and gaps.  and the uneven walls that are out of square...

i spared you pictures of the horrible tiny bathrooms.  which we have a glorious, glorious plan for.  you will see.

but... we knew we were walking into a total gut job.  we signed up for this.

and i am beginning to think we were completely batshit.

oh, it will be painted, post haste.  i would have picked green, except we have 3 neighbors with clashing shades of green on their houses.

so uh, yellow got vetoed, and purple isn't a completely ridiculous shade for a house, right?
RIGHT?

i'm gonna need some help convincing The Matt that i don't plan on painting our house Faygo grape purple.  but i fucking hate neutral shades, i don't like red THAT much, and blue houses are all over the place.  i wouldn't mind orange... but then people might think we were UT fans.  AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.

this is why we can't have that.  that is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad color.  burnt orange my ass.  it's like baby shit OH GOD MY EYES brownish-vomit.

this pretty much sums up the condition of this place.  it was rough and uncared for.  it was cheap.

and that was BEFORE they let us swing a sledgehammer at the most expensive thing we've ever bought!

who knew house smashing would be SO MUCH FUCKING FUN??

The Matt, that is who.  he dug into demolition with a vengeance.  i saw it in its non-smashed condition, and then the next time i came over...

that WAS  a bedroom.

...and that WAS the living room/music room/kitchen...

not even the garage escaped.

 the entire house is literally see-through.  it's like an x-ray of a house.

i don't mind any of this.  i got to SATAN SMAAAASHHHHHHH!

i am SO GLAD that we decided to gut this place... because this is the type of nasty that we found.  evidently this was somewhat CLEANED, before i took a picture of it.

GAAHHHHH!

yeah.  we're crazy.

but hey...

at least we got a new mailbox.





this post's title courtesy of this earworm song and i DON'T CARE if you hate Miley Cyrus, she is actually talented, SHUT UP AND LISTEN, IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.