Welcome to Hell

Welcome to hell. Please take a number. Her Evilness will be with you when she damn well feels like it.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

shoe fetish. i haz one.

oh yes, i do.

this here would be the converse collection, all of which has been garnered at goodwil over the years. i <3 goodwill, so much.

my obsession with doc martins started in high school; here you see the original shiny patent leather black docs i got at a thrift store, and also my other two patent docs;

this is what happens when you A. have an obsession, B. get invited to a DOC MARTINS WAREHOUSE SALE that (gives away) sells new docs for $30 a pop.
yep, patent leather docs in all colors.

also, a goodwill find:

yes, shiny purple suede docs. you are welcome.

the high heel section. minus a few interesting examples:

stripper heels are always the best. yes, you are seeing that correctly, they aren't connected between the ball & heel of the foot. no, i've never seen anything like them again. they are made of wood, and need repairs, as i destroyed them dancing.
also, more dancer shoes:

well, one pair anyway.
btw, for no reason whatsoever, here is a small tutorial on how to tell if a girl has ever used her stripper shoes to actually be a stripper. here's proof:

the worn spots/superglued-on sole of the shoe is proof that a girl has used her stripper shoes in the approved manner, ie, dragging herself backwards and doing that ass-shaking thing strippers do, with her platforms holding most of her weight.
either that, or pictures like this:

notice the regulation stripper tie-shorties...sorry it's blurry. (taken at night, no flash...)

this picture makes my ass look so much bigger than it really is, which amuses me.

(yes, that's really me. any other stupid FAQ's?)

of course, you can also have the stripper dominatrix boot, very popular with a select audience:

most of them being masochists.

or these, which an ex gave to me, because he knew out of all people, i would appreciate the sarcastic/ironic/ugliness quotient of these boots, and wear them anyway. i definitely did. they would have been made awesomer, if they they were made of the real deal, vs. plastic snakeskin/microsuede.
only issue was, they were highly uncomfortable - and also hot. but I WORE THEM, A. i did it just for you. <3

because sometimes, birkenstock puts out clogs so goddamn ugly, that eventually they get reduced to $8 at nordstrom rack, and i wander in and am all like "OMG SHEEPY SHOES WITH SHEPHERDS, i'm gonna hug 'em and kiss 'em and squeeze 'em and love them... comfy!!!" yep. just like that. only with "wearing them out of the store" powers included, while people stare at me like i'm the maniac. puh-leeze.

oldest pair of converse, the only pair bought new, and look what i've done to them over the years: spiderman shoelaces, doodling... well, to be frank, i've had them since high school and i'll NEVER LET THEM DIE... never.
AAAND the coolest roller skates ever, given to me by a friend. we found them (and fought over them...she kinda won) at an antique store somewhere.

now, quick, to sleep before the sun comes up...and i sober up... and also, before i have to actually go to work. thank the gods they caffeinate us for free.

i know this is old news, but whatever.

so, it's around spring break time (read: last of april/beginning of may), the Matt and i go down to a bar where a friend of mine from high school is playing with a (really excellent) band, the Los Poboycitos. yeah, go see them, it's fun. if you're in NOLA, anyway.
we get HAMMERED. we're sitting at a table, i leave all my crap there, and proceed to dance with some really fine ladies on the dance floor, who later drop all their crap at my table.
sometime after i'm done
A. poking smot with my friend J upstairs in the bar,
B. meeting his girlfriend and making a drunken ASS of myself,
C. come back to my table to hear the following;

"i swear, i will totally sleep on the couch and not bother you a bit, but my girlfriend is super into you and she would be all about you coming to our house tonight."


A. adorable that my b/f is trying to hook me up with girls...
B. ::facepalm::, b/f does not know that any dick that is not homo dick is like kryptonite for lesbian pussy-getting.

it's okay... he didn't know...
but seriously, how many boyfriends would do that?
the Matt is pretty excellent.

your friendly neighborhood drunkblogger

you need proof? easily done, enter proof:

i drank the whole thing.

granted, this is reasonably normal behavior for me. i love champagne/sparkling wines. especially for under $10 a pop, which this one was.
don't get me wrong, i also like the expensive shit, it's just so much easier to justify a $9 bottle of whatever, for any given occasion, such as "i'ma eat way too much junk food tonight, AND drink champs, natch."

evidently the makers of this sparkling/champs thinks i'm retarded, though:

yep, check.

this post is just for the record saying, whatever posts might possibly come after this, know that they are definitely under the influence. therefore, maybe not as funny as they think they are. and we all gots to show the posts who's boss, eh?