Welcome to Hell

Welcome to hell. Please take a number. Her Evilness will be with you when she damn well feels like it.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

i invaded Austin, and i like it!

i haz a vacation!  yes, i did.  and of course, because i am a photographer, i took a shitload of pictures.  and now i will torture you with them.
be jealous! Austin is fucking awesome.

the first thing we saw, upon coming into the city and parking, was this note on the parking meter.
we laughed, hard.

libraries are my paradise, so of course i drooled a little bit here.

i have no idea what the hell this building is, but it looks neat-o.


ooh, pretty!
in a few ways, Austin reminds me of Portland (hills, city separated by a river).  i'll be excited to move on in.  ^_^

this, my friends, is not a "majestic cactus," as i was told when i bought one.
in fact, it's an agave plant (which is a succulent, not a cactus, for the record), which is Really Fucking Cool.  they get HUGE.  i have seen one that was at least 10 feet tall, and probably that wide, too.
it wasn't in Austin, though; funnily enough it's in fairhope, alabama.

Austin is absolutely full of these agaves, and i LOVE it.  i have an agave, i'd say about 2 feet tall, and i CAN'T WAIT to get to my Austin house, and plant that motherfucker in the yard and let it grow into a monster.

does anyone know what kind of bird this is?  they were everywhere.

UPDATE: a minion left this comment for me:
"I'm no bird-expert, but I think that's a grackle. And a particularly ugly one at that."

how right you are... this one IS ugly!  
good to know, now i can refer to them as grackles instead of "you know... those blackish birds that aren't crows, ravens, or blackbirds..."

i love old architecture, and i also love the way the sunlight hit on the building.

of COURSE we had barbeque.  NOM NOM NOM NOMnomnomnom

the Matt's "DUH?" face, i guess.  don't ask me.

oh, he says it was the "i'm gonna ruin this picture!" face.
well, then.  there you go.

the other person there is my brother Logan, who is moving with us to Austin.  so, in other words, our house will be the fucking psych ward.  in the good way, of course.

 when i am fabulously wealthy & rolling in golden coins, i will SO light up my fucking house just like this.  it's the capitol building, and while it looks white here, it's really a light reddish color in the sunlight.

our hotel, complete with possessed psychrowave.  check it out:

psycho.  it also liked to beep every 5 seconds while heating your food, if you got it to finally work.  and then it would just beep randomly, for no good reason, about every five minutes or so.  we had to unplug the damn thing to keep from stabbing it.

i mentioned the psychrowave to one of the staff, and she told me that someone had died on the floor we were on, in the stairwell.
she agreed that if the psychrowave was not in fact possessed, it could potentially be haunted.  i agreed.
although why a ghost would want to haunt a microwave is completely beyond me.

haunted staircase.  at some point, there was a body lying there.  gasp!

we found this at the homebrew beer shop, of course.  

possibly the funniest damn thing i've seen in a long time.  drunkicorn!  unikeg-stand!  gettin' horny!  wasty-face! (which is what Matt calls me when i'm drunk;  he claims i was "wasty-face" last night, and i can't exactly disagree...)

RUBBER.  CHICKEN. PURSE.  whyyyyy do you not live in my closet???

i need one of these suckers.
so terrible, it's wonderful.  get on mah boobies!

i found the boot store, and it was  PARADISE!

i'm not a terribly southern person, i'm really not.
i do say y'all, and yeah, i have a bit of an accent.  a bit.  a teeny, tiny bit.  Shut.  Up.
i'm not your stereotypical southerner, that's for sure.
in fact, many southerners think i'm a Yankee.  i got called a yankee for all of middle & high school - evidently their criteria for being said yankee is coming from anywhere above alabama.

however, i AM from Kentucky.  and we have tons of horses.
i didn't own any, but i certainly did ride:  i went to horse camp every summer.
and do you know what you need, when riding horses?  boots.  and if you ride western style, and i do, you want - nay, need - cowboy boots.

DROOL.  but there is no way in hell i would buy these, because those suckers are $2,000 FUCKING DOLLARS.  ouch!
even if i could afford them, what's the point of a pair of cowboy boots you can't stomp through the mud in?

possibly the highest peak of hideousness: purple leopard-print cowboy boots.
What. The. Fuck.

these boots are for if your dick's too small, and you want to compensate for that very badly.

hint:  women can figure that shit out.  it's kinda like those jacked-up truck-driving Affliction and Ed Harvey-wearing dipshits.  it's like advertising that you're a douchecanoe asshat with a small dick.  they probably wear Axe, too.
that shit is migraine in a can.

it's actually handy that they advertise themselves so well, if you think about it.  it's the human version of colorful plumage that says "keep away!!! POISON!!!  DO NOT MATE!!!"

i have no idea what kind of critter this was, but now it's tacked to a bathroom door in a boot shop.

these were my favorites.  i would have smuggled them out of the store like a bandit if they were A: my size, and B: black instead of brown, because i own approximately one brown thing, and it's probably a t-shirt.

scavenger hunt!!!  item one:  cowboy riding a rabbit.

um... check!

this is Matt's "get the hell out of the damn mirror so i can close the door and piss in peace!" face.
this is me trying to stop laughing at him long enough to take the picture.  ^_^

on the way out of Austin, i noticed that everything, literally everything, is cowboy-themed.  yes, even the bridges.  gun railings!  Gun Railings!!!  so cool.

i can't WAIT to move there, and break out my Stetson.

howdy, darlin'.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

i'm laaazy. yes, i am. i consider it a talent.

i've been busy (well... for me at least) lately - first, my brother came to invade my house visit for two weeks.

and THEN, i went back with him & my dad to go visit the parental units.  at least half, because they have pools, and dad lives on the beach. yeah, pensacola!  so i became a mermaid for a week, completely leaching the 6 random colors out of my hair in the process.  eh, colors can always be fixed.  worth it!

just when i got back to my own house, my brother, the Matt and i all left, to go visit Austin.  fact:  you can definitely go on a vacation with $75 in spending money for two people.  other fact:   bring food.  and you'll be doing a LOT of walking...

anyway, Austin was fabulous, despite the fact that the high temp was at least 104 the whole time we were there.  at least there's no humidity, and the breeze off the river is quite nice.  plus, cool nights!

i'm sooo excited to be moving there at the end of this year.  love NOLA, but i'm ready to leave.  i'm a traveler at heart; if i didn't have so much shit, i would probably pack a car and just... go everywhere.

now: i have good stories to share about being with the parents and Austin, and about how i was almost in an orgy last night...

it'll have to wait though, because i have to go to the strip club & try to save my broke ass... hahah. ass.  yes, a lot of people will be seeing that tonight.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

on being in a pawn shop:

i've had lots of fun escapades i've been on recently that i've gotta fill y'all in on.  and i will.

but i have to tell you about my day today.  it was... special.
yes, life has gone a bit wonky at the Casa del Batshit, lately.

my strip club friends and i have this joke: "what is a B.A. in Creative Writing (my degree, for the record) good for?"  "stripping!!! bwahahahah."

well, it's not good for landing your dream job, that's for sure.  (oh please, someone even vaguely connected to the writing/editing field hire me... please!)

what a lot of people don't realize is that in NOLA there is a completely dead season, lasting all summer.  not that i blame the tourists for staying away from this heat.  i went to texas (austin - more on that later) and their 104 still felt a bit better than our 95. yeechh.

anywho, since all of the photobooth jobs are pretty much nil and void for the summer months, we've been... limping by.  well, more like crawling.  or maybe like a legless guy on a skateboard.  or doing the zombie body drag.
suffice to say, we are so poor it's not even funny. except it kinda is; i mean you have to laugh at it.  we're supposed to be grownups and shit (HA!), yet i'm more destitute right now than i was in college.

i currently have (looking up bank balance...) $1.92 in my bank account. no lie.
i don't know what the Matt has, but it's probably not much better.

so, to the end of getting some food in the house (i had beer yesterday for dinner), we went to the pawn shop with some assorted random jewelry, and a steel drum (have i mentioned Matt's a drummer?).
i'd brought some nice heavy silver pieces, and i'd looked up the price for silver per ounce: currently $43, for the record. and 14k gold is about $1040.  and here you can see what i mean...

to put this in perspective, an ounce is the maximum weight that you can send with one stamp.  it's not all that heavy, you know?

the pawn people offered $5 for a steel drum worth $80+ so obviously we didn't sell that.  then, i tried the jewelry. i had a nice heavy silver bracelet, and a silver necklace with turquoise.
pawn lady had the audacity to tell me my bracelet wasn't even silver. do i LOOK like i'm stupid?  for fuck's sake, i was with my mom when she picked that out for me in like 7th grade - it's definitely silver.  then, she claimed that my turquoise was not, in fact, turquoise.  i wanted to scream at her - my dad's an antique dealer, and you're not fooling me, you lying bitch!  
unfortunately, i was still trying to get money out of her, so i held my tongue.

then, we went on to the gold.  now i don't know how much it weighed, but it wasn't hollow and light.  i told them i wanted $50 out of it.  this seemed like a good deal to me.  i'm sure the piece itself must have been $200+, and it was practically brand new.

those fuckers gave me $15 goddamn dollars!  if i didn't desperately need to eat today, i would have told them to fuck off.  unfortunately, i don't feel like starving to death anytime soon, soooo...

i understand pawn shops have to make money, i do.  but jesus fuck, no need to rip somebody off like that - surely a 100% markup should suffice, instead of a 400%!  cuz you know they're gonna sell that necklace for $100, they could have given me $50.


so we went to the walmart (i am a whole foods shopper - showcasing my desperation here) and bought: ramen, bread i'd normally never touch, lunch meat of the terrible kind, and american cheese.  hell. i had to get shit we could both eat for a week, on $15. what else do you do?

i don't even think i can explain my loathing for american cheese. i am a cheese snob. i think my face was probably pinched into the "mouthgun" look for the entire time we were in the store.

if any of you lovely people can figure out how to scrap together $600 by the end of the month let me know! i have to pay rent and my phone bill... and the utility bill, lest they shut off my electricity, air-conditioning, and internet.  quelle horreur!

we're rocking the pathetic around here.  ROCKING IT, i say!!!

Friday, August 19, 2011

it's completely true.

i love this almost as much as i love Meet the Feebles.

Thursday, August 11, 2011


i'd blame this on the booze, but frankly there's no excuse.  i am stone cold sober.  i mean it.  (actually that is quite a shame; maybe i should fix that.)
anyway, back to regularly scheduled idiocy.

i'm at my dad's place, stealing the neighbor's free internet.  my dad has probably never touched a computer in his life, so i was pleasantly surprised to get any sort of wireless signal.  it made me so happy.  i am your internet junkie.

of course, dad goes to bed much earlier than i do (i got him high, i'm sure that didn't help - or did he get me high? hmm...).
i have absolutely nothing to do here, once dad goes to sleep.
additionally, my lovely friend Anthony  just bought me a Nicki Minaj CD a few days ago, so i've had it on repeat.  and this bloody song is stuck in my head!

all of this is contextual,  but it absolutely, in no way, excuses this video.
yeah, just watch the damn thing.

i would like to point out a few things here:

you can see my butt in one of those shots, but i'm not telling which.
whatever, i'm wearing underwear and shit.

i am sunburnt as fuck.  i don't think you can see that in the video, but trust me when i say i'm lobster-colored.

i swear, i do not suck at dancing (this badly, at least... i mean, i am a white bitch).

this is what happens when you're dancing around in your dad's guest bedroom, sans choreography, because you obviously need a fucking hobby.

in case you wondered what 5 a.m. looks like at my house... well, this is pretty much it.  except this time it's a traveling show.

my dad's guest bedroom is the least decorated room in the house. i mean, there's only one painting in here - gasp!  as opposed to his living room...

Saturday, August 6, 2011

zombie squid

jesusfuckholyshittingchristontoast this exists.

"in communist china, squid eat YOU."

Monday, August 1, 2011

camera porn!

y'all know i work weddings.  i work a lot of weddings.  most of them are pretty boring, to be honest.  but the one i worked on saturday...
well, it had me drooling.

the bride had provided really awesome vintage cameras, as well as an old typewriter.
the wedding planner couldn't figure out how to make the typewriter work for the life of them, even though the bride expected the typewriter to be an integral part of her guest list.

i went and fiddled, because i was evidently the only person at the entire wedding (including the bride...) who knew typewriters.  the only problem was that the ribbon was dry, so i just rewound the ribbon the other way, and got the typing to show up a little better.  it wasn't perfect, but it was a quick fix.

even though i have my own typewriter, i'm still lusting after a few more to add to my collection.

i love the shit out of my typewriter.

i love old cameras.  i would kill for these cameras!  if i were a meaner person, i would have slowly absconded with all of them - even the ones that didn't work.  : ]
well, who knows if any of them work.  they all looked a bit worse for wear.

still, how gorgeous is that???

oh, jesus fuck!  can i PLEASE steal this to put on my mantel???!?!??

still, my camera lust is somewhat placated by my own film camera.  i love it dearly.  even though it's "outdated" and i can't get any more professional photography gigs with film, i still love it.
although i could really stand to get a good DSLR...
i wish!  anyone got  $1500 to spare???  : /

 oh darling, darling film!

i recently took this camera to Jazzland, and had a ball.  i can't wait to see what i find, when i develop the film.

laughing at my younger self

whilst scrolling through my ten-year old blog (damned if i'll let the url to that one leak out...), i found a quiz.
i am not, and really never have been, the quiz-taking sort.  minus the purity quiz, because that one is fucking hilarious, especially when taken in groups of people.
however, a few friends have bullied me into some quizzes throughout the years.  

so when i found this one... well, i wanted to take it again, just to see what has changed, if anything.  yes, all the old answers are left unmolested...i last took this when i was 18 or 19.  so it's been a while (i'm 26).  i am, however, leaving out the really fucking boring questions.
new answers are in red.

Full name:  i'm so not gonna leak that one out...

Nicknames:  SATAN
ditto!  some things never change.
What Do You Look Like: red hair, green eyes, 5' 6", ridiculously sexy, (my boyfriend inserts random flattering things here), oh yeah, like a vampire....i never go out in the sun...
 5' 6", red hair, eyes that change from blue to green to grey, dependent upon mood & what color i'm wearing, as Matt says, "Fucking Hot," and i'm still pale-ass white, so i suppose the vampire thing still stands.

Parents: ....one female, one male, divorced
one awesome mom, one delightfully gay & flamboyant dad, still divorced, thank fuck!

Siblings: younger brother 
his name is Logan, and is also Appropriately Awesome.
Future Goals: drop out of school and become ridiculously famous, probably as a brilliant writer, and do all sorts of fun, slightly illegal things
become famous, DEFINITELY as a brilliant writer/blogger, and do shitloads of hilarious, fun, REALLY illegal things.  

What I Want To Be/Do: a writer....duh.....of course i could also be in a band, that would work too.
either of these professions would be awesome.  they also compliment each other, so that's a plus!

 Best Friends: uh.........angela...megrez...ronny....j&c, obviously, god knows who else...maybe i should be listening former best friends
Angela, Megrez, DEFINITELY NOT Ronny (douchebag ex #2), Kat, Anthony, Dave, i'd say the Matt definitely qualifies, shit, we live together.   i have many people i keep up with on the internet, that i'd consider good friends, even if they don't feel the same.

Special Talents Or Skills: i sing - beautifully - (oh shut up) - i've been told i'm great in bed.....i have a long tongue....i play like 3 musical instruments, dancing (all kinds), writing...
i play 5 instruments, i do in fact sing well.  i'm a former ballerina & gymnast, and i am still a dancer.  i'm not sure fucking is a talent.  does drinking count?  what about smoking lots of pot?

Little Known Talent You Possess: anything weird you can possibly do with a tongue
i can make a clover with my tongue.  can you?  ahem.  by the former statement, i did not mean weird sexual things.  although to be honest, i've probably done all of those, too.

Pets And Names: ronny....he's the only pet i have at the moment....
UGH!  ::shudder::  i was so dumb as a freshman in college.
2 cats, Punk (male) and Roxy (female), one rat, Squeak (female).

Hobbies: singing, dancing, READING, writing, listening to good music, sleeping, being generally scary and psychotic, and freaking people out in walmart, and oh yes, drinking blood
i was a teenage goth!!!  but no seriously, i was in the habit of biting people until they bled. 
i will admit to a fascination for blood.
i do read a lot; i write a lot.  i am actually singing under my breath, right now.  i probably don't annoy people in walmart anymore.  usually.

Collect: oh god, don't go there
i collect:  books, mostly.  i will admit to hoarding rocks, herbs, shoes, random stuffed animals, nail polish, and the occasional barbie.  (shut. up.)  i asked Matt, and he said, "Souls."
so yeah.

Type Of Car You Drive: piece of shit 92 buick
half-way okay Ford Explorer, 2000 i think.  or 99. 

Word Or Phrases You Overuse: .......you got me...... 
and, really, yeah, totally, fuck.

Favorite Shampoo Or Conditioner: bed head
well, i'm using several varieties of random organic conditioners.
as for shampooing, i'm using a baking soda mix, and a diluted vinegar rinse.

Have You Ever Been Skinny Dipping: oh yeah.....a lot...... 
well that hasn't changed.  but i swim naked a shitload more, now.
Do You Make Fun Of People:  often ....and loudly.....  
heheh.  okay, maybe i wasn't that horrible as a teenager.
Have You Ever Been Convicted Of A Crime: not yet....but waaay too close for comfort 
the sheer fact that i haven't been arrested for drugs, or being intoxicated in public, or being naked in public... well.  miraculous.

Do You Drink:......uh. college student. 
my boyfriend brews beer.  do i drink???  lmfao.  please pass the whisky.

Favorite Drink: dr.pepper, hot tea, sweet tea
whisky.  or beer.  or a mint julep. 

What Is Your Favorite Milk: whole....leave the fat grams in my shit!
skim milk is the most disgusting thing that i've ever had.  2% is acceptable.  i still buy whole milk.  mmm.

Who Are Your Crushes (They Can Be Famous Or Not): liv tyler, steven tyler , orlando bloom, most of the lead in LOTR...etc
ohmyfuck.  no.  nononono.  i'll admit to liv tyler.  and angelina jolie.  yeah, i don't really have a lot of crushes.  i either go after who i want, or i don't.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend or Husband/Wife: one blonde boyfriend
one red-headed boyfriend, and a few lady prospects, woo! 

Tattoos And Piercings: three holes in each ear, belly, tattoo on each wrist, one on small of back....more to come.....
 four holes in each ear, one belly, one nose piercing.  i used to have a hood piercing.  removed it because it was interfering with my sex life, not helping.  may try that again sometime.  
2 tattoos on each wrist, one on left forearm, one on right bicep, one on right ring finger, one on the small of my back, huuuge wings.  on my back.

Favorite Town To Chill In: new orleans is my oyster
new orleans has gotten old.  i miss living in portland!
but i think we're moving to austin next, soo...

What Is Your Bedtime: when the sun comes up
still that. 

Favorite Perfume/ Cologne : Ralph lauren romance, and so pink by gap...ya i know....ha ha
L'Occitane has many single-note floral perfumes.  i wear those.  also, Hove in new orleans has some really great scents:  notably, their tea olive scent.  

A Non-Sport Game That You Excel In: mortal kombat, motherfucker.
i can't play a damn thing that isn't on the Wii.  i kinda suck at Wii, too, but i don't mind as much.  i do occasionally suck ass at Guitar Hero, when others are playing it and they ask me to play.
considering who that advice was about... yeah, it was terribly, horribly accurate.
"Kids, Do Not Fuck That Shit.  That Shit is GROSS."  - Bob Saget

Coolest Experience: ah.........can't think of one currently
that would probably have to be smoking pot under the Merry Pranksters' (& Ken Kesey's) bus Further, with a long-time hippie lights guy who used to do lights for a LOT of the old famous bands.  while wearing a backstage pass around my neck, because i was helping with the festival.  then, Zane Kesey caught us smoking under there, and just kinda shook his head, and walked away.  
so far, that is.  i'm sure i'll beat that, sooner or later.

Funniest Experience: the reason angela won't let me drive her car anymore
have you ever been on acid?  people are fucking hilarious on acid.  also, everything's hilarious to you, when you're on acid.

Scariest Experience: running from the cops
funny enough, i don't actually remember this one.  chances are i was stoned out of my mind.

Most Romantic Thing That Ever Happened To You: rose petals, cathedral...blanket....sex.....etc etc...
oh, gag me, teenage self!  
actually that wasn't romantic at all, since it involved sneaking blankets and ourselves under a fence, and fucking on the balcony floor of a cathedral which was under construction, therefore covered in debris.  and did you know that rose petals stick to your ass, when you fuck on them?
you know what, i actually fucking hate "romantic" gestures, for the most part.
although i have to say, the sweetest, most inexplicable thing anyone's ever done is bring me an armful of rosebuds - 217 of them, for no reason whatsoever.  i was bored, so i counted.

Favorite Thing To Do In The Summer:  skinny dipping at night, and hide from the sun
still pretty accurate.  i do like to go sunbathe occasionally. 

Favorite Type Of Music: everything but country, glory rock....etc.
i do like most types of music, but i'm damn sick of jazz!  i like good country, but nothing they'd play on CMT.  and i'm sick to death of most metal.  i do really love a few metal bands, though.

Groups/Singers You Enjoy: enigma....type o negative, the darkness.....heheh.   aerosmith, john mayor, marilyn manson, no doubt, smashing pumpkins, lots of people
whoo, this one's really changed.
bright eyes, ani difranco, modest mouse, death cab for cutie, the weepies, florence & the machine, and that is barely scratching the surface.

Favorite Animal(s): cats (and who didn't see that one coming?....)
true, but i also really love horses.

Favorite TV Show: buffy buffy buffy the vampire slayer, people!!!
also add Mad Men, True Blood, Weeds, and Dexter.

Favorite TV Game Show:  they all suck
this is very true.

Favorite Thing To Wear: black, scary things....or anything cuddly and fuzzy with jeans...or anything i steal from ronny....because it pisses him off
pajamas.  definitely pajamas. 

Favorite Magazine: JANE, vintage playboys, vogue, anything else i can butcher with scissors that doesn't have preteens in it
bust, bitch, vanity fair, new yorker, juxtapoz, hi-fructose, and i will admit to liking vogue in spite of myself.   

Favorite Fruit: cherries, and strawberries
also, raspberries, and blackberries.  
If You Could Dye Your Hair One Color What Would It Be: green
i've done green.  and black, and red, and burgundy, and orange, and purple, and pink, and blue...

If You Could Have A Tattoo Where And What Would It Be: what i already have, some wings on my back, some woad swirls on my hands and forearms......we're working on it..........
hmm, i think i might ix-nay the woad swirls, but it would look pretty cool.  so we'll see.  obviously, i have the wings.  and i have several other tattoo ideas in mind.

If You Could Turn Into Only One Animal Real Or Imaginary What Would You Be: black panther.....mmm, sexy
a housecat would be good.  cats have it easy, to be sure.  both of mine are lounging and napping right now.

Favorite Mentos Commercial: cuntos!!! the fresh fucker....hehehe
reeeally bad inside joke...
Is The Glass Half Empty Or Half Full: oh who cares already? 
 if it's beer, it's half-empty.  if it's whisky, half-full...

 What Is Under Your Bed: binders, drawers with underwear and towels, cameras, knives, lighters, razorblades, etc etc....and dust 
 heheheh  that was all?  drawings, posters, paintings, several suitcases, a car seat, fake hair (for when i want to braid mine up), boxes of who-knows-what, a bag for things drum set related, and whatever else Matt's shoved in there by now.  plenty.  i'm sure i've forgotten a few things.

If You Were To Kill Someone, What Method Would You Choose: cyanide, or a really sharp blade, or tearing to bits with my teeth......
poison is good.  knives are fine.  sniper rifles are better.  depending on the hatred level, a titanium spork could be used, with much pleasure.
If You Could Be Anything In A Kitchen, What Would You Be: uh huh.  really fucking good champagne???? or maybe some reallllly good whisky

What You Notice About The Opposite Sex First:  PENIS!!!!!!!.....lol, no i'm kidding...i don't know!  it's a package deal.
oh haha, i was so punny.  i look at faces first, i think.  for the opposite, and the same sex.
Are You A Virgin:........obviously, no

Something You Hate: mornings, going to class, stupid people, cigarette smoke in clouds when i come out the dorm.....hot weather
well that about covers it!
 i'm torn between wanting to laugh, wanting to cry, and thinking that i really haven't changed all that much.
unfortunately, for the rest of the world.

so yeah, sorry for making y'all read a damn quiz.  although, i am thinking about taking the purity test again...


yeah, i took the purity test again.  the 1,000 question whopper.
it took a while.

anyhow, i'm 38.4% pure.  ha.  as opposed to, 40-something% the last time.
i claim the test is partly unfair, as i blatantly can't have sex with a blow-up doll, and other various things.  come on, like 10 questions about having sex on a boat?  psshh.
so if you're bored...