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Welcome to hell. Please take a number. Her Evilness will be with you when she damn well feels like it.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

picture spam... halloween costumes! stripper style

today at work totally made up for yesterday's awful shit.
rent (and bills) successfully paid, and then some!

so i took a few pictures today. yep.
also, got a new tattoo.
but first things first:
the "costume" i've been wearing all week...
this is just the demonstration picture. i swear i don't look like this all day at work.

i heart my fangs.

i thought this one turned out interestingly in the weird dressing room lights - so it's GratuitousPictureOfYourselfFriday, as it were.

so, on to today's costume. i was a harem girl. well, or just a gypsy, depending on who you asked. see, that's my dancer name - Gypsy. (yes, if you run into a dancer on bourbon street who goes by Gypsy, 10 to 1 odds it's me, i don't know any others.)

cute, right?

although i will say, the harem pants were a BITCH to try to get off over those heels, so mostly i didn't bother, except for one lapdance. hell, they were see-through. besides, there were a ton of dancers there, so i wasn't on stage too much, which is nice, if there are guys tipping/buying dances in the club. which there were!

tomorrow i'm not at the club, but sunday i'm wearing my pirate stuff, in addition to the belly dancing coins. gypsy pirate, will be the theme. it'll be fun.
and yes, i will take pics then, too.

now, on to my new tattoo!

okay, so you know the music festival i worked last summer? and the picture of me in the bus, in my header?
yeah. well, the name of that bus is Further. (yes, you might want to research Ken Kesey and the Merry Pranksters to get some back story. in fact, i highly encourage it...)
soooo, my new tattoo is
A. in homage to Further,
B. a nod to the music festival i got to be a part of, and
C. a gay pride tattoo, OBVIOUSLY!

a closer picture:

i know it looks all gross and shiny and scabby right now but that's because i only got it like 3 hours ago, and all the excess ink/plasma/blood still isn't off of it yet...

well, i'm getting there...but i had to play show and tell first!
you're totally welcome.
: ]

Friday, October 29, 2010


i hate having things sprung upon me.

that's not to say that i don't like surprises, i do. good surprises, like presents and friends stopping by, and free dinners. what i don't like is shit like "oh hey, and tomorrow we're gonna go and volunteer to wash the asses of the incontinent" or something equivalently unpleasant.
i can suck up a lot of things, given advance warning, but let me tell you, if you spring it on me the day before, my reaction is gonna go a whole lot like this:

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like, for example, the Matt's oh-so-studiously-innocuous "hey i know you're kinda working a gig this weekend for us as a favor because my boss has voodoo fest tickets and doesn't want to do it, and oh yeah you're gonna have to do the hard part yourself even though i know you've never done it before, but don't worry, i will show you how before saturday" bit about, oh, thirty seconds ago before he skipped off to bed.

(note time on blog. this is me, trying to wind down to go to sleep, to then go to work tomorrow and attempt to make my side of the motherfucking rent before monday - NOT a good time to spring shit upon me that makes me truly fucking cagey.)

what enrages me the most, is that it's something that is able to be competently completed by someone else who knows what they are doing - and will in fact BE THERE - but they want me to learn RIGHTTHEFUCKNOW.

btw guys? right the fuck now, i am stressed the fuck out. i have a lot of shit going on. i work 5 or 6 days a week compared to your 1 or 2 or 3, depending on how busy your weekend is. i don't have 4 week days to sit around and accomplish things. hell, sometimes i can't find time to do my goddamn laundry.

and hey, this involves electronics. know how bad i am at anything techie?
i still have anxiety about my own computer working correctly - setting up all the speakers/external hard drive/etc. know why i still don't have all my shit transferred over to my new computer? yeah. tech anxiety.

much less plugging fourteen different things with cords into a strange computer which all have to be inserted in a specific order lest they FUCK UP and make your life a LIVING HELL by working improperly and causing me to be on the phone and stressed all goddamn night while simultaneously trying to be nice to royal idiots at a wedding - blargh, see where i'm going with this? i hate technology, i really do. it stresses me out at the best of times. hell, i am still figuring blogger out.

(btw...this is a photobooth gig. sounds easy. probably is if you know what you are doing. i most emphatically DO NOT.)

laugh, but i have performance anxiety for shit like this.

i can get naked on stage all night long, i can perform any sort of vocals with music or a cappella, i can do theater improv, i can do all kinds of things that make other people have nervous breakdowns without thinking twice.

anything involving technology makes me sweat bullets.

thank you, the Matt, for inducing tonight's anxiety-ridden insomnia.
because, you know, that's totally gonna improve my mood for working tomorrow. after having the most pathetic shift EVER today. (a record $7 dollars was tipped to me on stage today... that's not counting off stage, but lemmetellyou, it didn't get much better than that.)



Thursday, October 28, 2010

some random pics for you...

sooo, i know these are so old. but whatever.
remember the awesome boots i got for the evil cowboy bar job that fired me (for NOTHING, i might add, except for complaining about being SEXUALLY ASSAULTED on the job and them not doing anything about it...)?
yep, picture:

also, for a while i had some great cornrows in my hair...

yeah. i loved it.
and this is what happens to your hair when you take it out...
bride. of. frankenstein.

and that's all for now, folks.

okay, so i'm totally insane. and this proves it.

i'm doing NaNoWriMo this year.

so, i can pretty much say there may be some radio silence on this here ye olde blog.
although i certainly hope to post random snippets from time to time. and maybe word count updates...

for those of you who don't know what NaNoWriMo is, go here and be enlightened.

okay, get it now?
i will officially have NO life in november. besides making sweet, sweet typy love to my laptop.

BUT! hopefully i will end up with bunches of usable material for my book project...
wish me luck!

also? i think i'm going to go strip as a pirate tomorrow. or maybe a belly dancer, i dunno... leave the pirate "big guns" for sunday, actual halloween?
btw, i mean full-out. gauntlets, pirate stripper outfit, and a very large, oh-so-authentic pirate hat. this thing is like 3 feet long, including its multiple feathers.
hell, i'll have to take pictures.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

hello, stripper mojo! i see we're back.

i've had a great week at the strip club so far, it's been really outstanding. i've made decent (if not excellent) money all week, and i've had encounters with very few Douchebags, and a whole lot of great customers. so much awesomeness.

i read a ton of blogs - among them, blogs of fellow strippers. strangely enough, it helps me gear into the right mindset to go to work, instead of, say, making me very tired of all things strip-club related.
so this one lady i read, Ava Adore, has a great thing - a DSM of all the various types of Douchebags that come into strip clubs. i think this is a fantastic idea - but instead, since i've had a great week (and presumably, it'll continue!), i'm going to do a post of all the awesome types of customers i've had this week.

The Shockingly Stoked Straight Girl
she says she's straight, and she came with her boyfriend. yet she's the one who's pulling him up to the stage, and pushing dollars into his shirt so you can retrieve them with your boobies. add persistent drunken "omg you're sooooo beautiful!" comments, and this girl can make a day shift - by buying lapdances for her friends, or herself.
thank you, straight girl! : ]

The Merry Married Couple
they're married, they're at the tip rail, and they're having a blast. the lady is smiling, and when one spouse leaves the table, the other is shoving money at you under the table to get the other a dance.
they say the couple that plays together stays together, and they're right.
you guys kick ass.

The Group of Young People Who Tip
they're drunk on bourbon street, they're 20-somethings, and they understand the importance of Tipping The Stripper. unlike their asshole redneck/fratboy/Douchebag brethren, they Get It - and they are having a blast. and hey, so am i, cuz someone just threw a $20 onstage!

The Older Gentleman What Wants A Lapdance
i have this thing, where after i've sat with someone for a minute and made the obligatory introductions, i ask them what they've come in for. ("so, you here for the titties, the sports, or the beer? what's your favorite thing to do here?")
this guy has come in for the girls, wants a dance or two (or five...), and after some nice intellectual conversation, takes you back for the aforementioned lapdances. and when he's done, he leaves. no time wasted, and all is fun.

The Decorators
they come in to drink, and to hand me money. they're semi-regulars. they won't go tip you while you're on stage, and they won't buy dances - but they will hand you $10s, $20s, or $50s while they sit and drink. and they'll also get you reeeallly drunk, if you're into that sort of thing. they can make a really dead day shift into a fantastic shift, simply by being there.

i've run out of the stereotypes for now, but hey, at least there's this many of them in one week!

i'm pretty sure i win this week.
: ]

Thursday, October 7, 2010

VERY IMPORTANT y'all, i need some advice.

so. i went to the salon. got a hair cut and a dye job.
love the hair cut! (first haircut in almost a year... it was truly necessary. no more dead ends, yay.)
not so much the dye job. i think it kinda blows. here, to jog your memory, some pictures of what my hair used to look like:

the plan was to go blonde, in order to do a social experiment.
i mean, i'm a stripper, sure, but i have a brain, and i am frequently bored at work. so i wanted to see if i would be treated differently, if i changed my hair color to blonde, and toned down the "i just pulled out an SAT word at this club, yeah, bitches" stuff i usually do. in other words, acted a bit more "dumb blonde."
for the record, i don't think blondes are dumb. i think boys who expect blondes to be dumb are the stupid ones.
i have also noticed that the plastic-looking blondes at my club seem to be the ones making the most money, so i was also wondering if my money would change. i am just curious, i want to know if it matters!

so. i asked the colorist if she could make me blonde, given my red/green hair, and she was like, "totally, easy."

well, this is the result:

note the "seriously PISSED" face.
yeah, it's definitely not what i was going for.

now. my question for you is, is this haircolor
A. bearable, i should keep it for a month to try and use this for my blonde experiment, or
B. absolutely awful, and i should dye it back to red, IMMEDIATELY?

voting, commence!!!


i am now back at my house. look what matt did to it, in order for me to be able to breathe...

so now, evidently, i am bubble girl. every one of our windows looks like this.
it's not glamorous, but it will at least keep most of the dust out.
i've spent one night back home and it hasn't gotten me sick yet...
we shall see, neighbor, we shall see.
i am still considering billing him for the visit to urgentcare/my inability to go back to work. would that be too bitchy, or just JUST?

Monday, October 4, 2010

sick unto death, nay! unto tubercular psychosis

i write this post from a friend's house, a friend who has been so wonderful to me...
why, might you ask?

well, the short version is, my next-door neighbor is renovating his house.

the long version, is thus:

i like my neighbor joe. he's a nice enough guy. he's also lived in our neighborhood since he was a kid, so i figure that gives him privileges that we renters don't have. so when he told us he was going to renovate his house, i said, "good for you!" and meant it.
that, of course, was before i didn't get a good night's sleep due to construction, for the last month +.
i mean, i am a VERY, VERY sound sleeper. i can handle hammers, and assorted demo work. i can handle the loud music. but after it reaches a certain decibel level, no one can sleep through this crap. but i understand, renovations sometimes must be done. so i wasn't about to complain.
i could even handle the nail gun, which made me wake up panicking, sincerely thinking my house was being shot at. (yes, our neighborhood does occasionally get shootings, but not during the day...and not next door.)

what i can't handle is the shouting. these guys are all family, and their preferred means of communication is at the absolute top of their lungs, and that's when they AREN'T arguing. if they are arguing (and they argue every day), gods, i bet the entire block can hear them.
keep in mind, this is new orleans. shotgun houses. most of this work is all taking place ABOUT 5 FEET FROM MY FUCKING HEAD.
but i've been Good Neighbor, and i have not complained. i have kept the dirty looks (as i walk out to the car to go to work in the "morning") to a minimum. i understand they need sunlight to work. it doesn't help that i do most of my sleeping in sunlight hours (how else would i stay so vampirically pale?)
no, all was reasonably non-psychotic in my little head. yes, the construction next door was Fucking With My Allergies/Asthma, but not in a lethal way. in a dusty way.

and then, THIS HAPPENED. i will let the picture do the talking.

my house is on the left.
"why satan," you might ask, "is that your neighbor's ENTIRE FUCKING WALL leaning against your house?"
yes. yes it is.
only me.
this shit only happens to me.

completely ignoring how the hell this structural weakness might happen, (answer: rampant termites) i am completely stunned by the fact that it remained in one piece (especially after it impacted with our house and shook the walls), until they had to bust it apart and carry it to the dumpster.
i chalked this up to a picturesque story to tell pretty much everyone, and left it at that. after 24 hours, though, it was quite apparent that i had no choice but to think about it more.

see, i am allergic to EVERYTHING except foods and medicines. by which i mean: cats, dogs, horses (REALLY?), grass, roaches(possibly other insects, who knows...), pine trees, oak trees, probably all trees, molds, mildews, dust, rats (this i found out by owning them... didn't know that before), hay, probably a bunch of flowers, and who knows what else.

now, i am allergic to a bunch of things, but i'm not bubble girl. i live in a dusty old house, with windows that don't seal properly. i have 2 (3?) cats, and 2 rats. i am not usually in respiratory distress. it takes something really terrible to give me this kind of reaction. the last two things that made me this sick were, 1. a house with asbestos insulation IN OUR HEATER, and 2. a carpeted house with 7 cats. i lived in those houses. i am merely close to this one, and it has almost killed me.

i don't know what the hell is in joe's house (my guesses are black mold AND asbestos), but within a day, it made my asthma flare up so badly that i was literally afraid to sleep, in case i quit breathing in the middle of the night, and didn't wake up.
it cost me $125 + who knows how much else the Urgent Care clinic will bill me, to be able to not drown in my own lungs. i am still recovering in a friend's allergen-free house.
as we speak, the Matt is putting plastic sheeting over every single window in our house, and using rolls of tape to anchor it to the walls. i have my HEPA filter going full blast... i am still afraid that i will not be able to stay in my house.

oh, yeah. best part? after he's done with the walls, joe plans to re-roof the fucker. can we guess how much shit i'm allergic to might be in a 100+ year old attic? i shudder to think. he might be done by december, according to his estimates.
yeah? i may be moving...

so check out some progress shots:

well, one is of the (beautiful, awesome) slate roof that he will be replacing. the others are of the construction.

i joke around a bunch, both on this blog, and in general, in my life. i don't joke about asthma. it has almost killed me a couple of times, and it is not pleasant. so when i say i felt like i was going to die the other night, i mean it. that short of breath. that afraid to lie down.

joe, much love for you man, but i think i'm declaring a neighbor war.
maybe you'd like to pay my medical bills?
because, i can't fucking work. haven't been able to for almost 2 weeks now, due to all this shit. i don't have any insurance. and i CAN call the board of health on you for doing your demo in a completely illegal fashion... i think the air health level is definitely not kosher.
i am a very healthy human being normally, and you have deprived me of my health, and my income. not cool.
i have to think more about a plan of action here that doesn't involve hanging out my window and shooting with a BB gun (because i can't open my windows anymore... or shut off my a/c and enjoy the cool weather like i planned...)
because i'm still at my friend's house, still coughing like it's going out of fashion, and i need a better option.