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Monday, February 28, 2011

and then, THAT happened.

y'all, i really, REALLY wish i had some pictures of this event.
it's just that some people really object to you taking naked pictures of them while they're humiliating a bachelor.

no this isn't strip club antics.  but it IS bachelor party antics.  see, sometimes i do outcall bachelor parties/parties in general.  and these are usually a whole hell of a lot more fun than going into the club, and more lucrative.
so, February 26th, 2011, i went to a bachelor party.  we left at 5 pm, which was mistake numero uno.  it was not my fault.  we were waiting for one girl, Latey McLategirl.  (we were supposed to leave at 3.)
so, after having finally gotten on our way and waited out the ridiculous new orleans mardi gras traffic, we drove, and drove, and drove - to alexandria.

for those who don't live in louisiana, let me help you.

View Larger Map

you'll want to click that "view larger map" up there, to actually see the damn map.  i suck at internet embedding.
anyhow, it's far.

turns out, when we met the party guys in alexandria, it also really wasn't in alexandria, rather in a teeny town (village?) near a lake, also referred to as BFE (BumFuckingEgypt) or BumFuckNowhere, to the enlightened.

now, i don't mean to criticize (much).  yes, the party was held in a trailer, but it was a nice, new trailer.  on the lake!  actually reminded me of my childhood, because i had relatives with a trailer on the lake, and it was FULL OF AWESOME. 

however, the other girls were slightly horrified, evidently because they are sissy cityfied types, and have evidently never been to a damn camp in their lives.  ahem.

we drink (me, bourbon on the rocks, them, many, many shots of patron and possibly other unknown liquors).  we chat with the boys, we get comfortable.  (i say boys here, because 90% of them were younger than me.) 
then we get into our stripper lady clothes and heels.  (random fact:  stripper heels and carpet are a BAD, BAD combination.  involving wipeouts and ankle turning.)

while the other girls were standing around looking a little fucking stupid uncertain, i started sitting on the bachelor and talking to him.  he was a very nice guy, he talked about how awesome his fiancee was, and how much he liked to please women sexually.
i told him he would be a very, very nice husband.  and i'm sure he will be.

however, we weren't there to prop up any egos or chat about weddings - we were there to get nekkid, party, and have lots of cash thrown at us.  which definitely happened.  it was pretty awesome, actually.  we beat mr. bachelor with his belt, stripped his pants off, and laid him on the floor, and danced on top of him, extensively.  of course, we also danced for the other partygoers.

the main difference between strip club parties and private parties, is that at private parties the girls tend to get all the way naked, instead of just down to a g-string.  of course, the guys get proportionally more excited.
still, these guys were very well behaved.  which is a great perk for parties.  they were all very nice, barring one really obnoxious guy who was a neighbor, and not technically invited.  he was eventually forced invited, to leave. 

another difference between clubs and private is that if they pay more, we can put on a toy show.  read:  vibrators and lesbian behavior.  i wish you guys could have seen the instant flocking to the couch, when the other girls started playing.  i about cracked up, but figured it wouldn't be (ahem) professional stripper behavior.  (aside:  exactly what IS "professional stripper behavior?  because i have NO idea.)

i danced for anyone who WASN'T magnetically drawn to the couch, and had quite a bit of fun on my own, involving a Cute Boy who will come into the picture more later.  : ]

eventually, after some of the guys bought private dances, the party wound to an end.

see, here is where i would be getting a ride home, supposedly.

the plan was to drop me in lafayette as they drove back to NOLA, in order to meet The Matt, who would be picking me up, in order to immediately drive to Texas, in order to go hang out with his family.  the plan was to meet sometime between 1:30 and 3 am. 
which was reasonable enough.

the problem?  the woman who drove, was about 8 shots of patron to the wind, and would not let me drive her car.  at all.  and her friend was passed out, in another room:  not exactly a candidate for driving, either.

so, in effect, i was stuck.  in BFE.  outside of alexandria, about an hour or more out of matt's way.

i asked around to see if anyone was sober enough to drive me to lafayette:  Cute Guy was, and offered to take me.  i probably did some embarrassing fist-pumping at this point.  so we had another guy (the bachelor, actually - see, told you he was sweet) drive us to Cute Guy's truck.

whereupon the bachelor drove off, and we discovered that Cute Guy did not have his keys to the truck.
and the bachelor was not answering his phone.  and no one else was, either.

which is why we ended up walking for MILES (for AT LEAST an hour), trying to meet The Matt, as he was driving up to BFE.  the problem was:  nothing in BFE was pulling up on the GPS.  NOTHING.

and our directions consisted of:  "um, we're on a gravel road, middle of nowhere, NO I DON'T KNOW THE GODDAMN ADDRESS IT'S A FUCKING CAMP ALRIGHT!!!" and "Fine, we're walking to the Fucking Fire Station."

at least the weather was nice.  until it started sprinkling.  still, it was reasonably warm, not too hot, and not too cold.  we had a nice conversation.  he was an Awesome Cute Guy.  he obviously did not belong in the middle of BFE, and i encouraged him to get the Fuck Out Of That Town.

anyway, after about an eternity hour or so of walking, we did reach the fire station.  and eventually, we did find matt, after he drove past it and i was screaming, "Slow down, STOP!! we'll come to you, i can see you!!"

of course i could see him.  he was the only car on the road.

this is how i came to be driving our of alexandria at about 4:30 am, February 27th, 2011, with HOURS to go before we got to houston.  5 hours, in fact.

so.  THAT happened.

fortunately, i am now about $600 richer.
it was ALMOST worth it.
okay, maybe it was totally worth it.

but i am going to have to HARDCORE bribe The Matt with something.  something to be decided up on by him.

ohgods, i am scared.
: ]


Sara said...

Holy shit, you drove that far?! During Mardi Gras??! Ahhhh!

Oh, and... don't hate me. :( Can you email me your address?! tatorhead328@yahoo.com

I'm so far behind and so awful at mailing things and I love you and I'm sorry.

Also, have a fun Mardi Gras next week! I'm going to the one here in Shreveport next weekend. :)

Tara said...

I'm super taken by your stripper stories. My ex husband had an addiction I suspect, so I've been curious for so long about the other side of it. It's this strange mystery that caused so much friction in my marriage. But here you are, a lovely, normal, hot stripper and you have a great blog and leave great comments and I'm just kind of stumped by that.

Tara said...

If you get this comment twice - sorry. I was saying that my ex had what I believe now to be an addition to strip clubs. A great deal of money and time was spent there. I don't know. I could be wrong. But there was a lot of friction over the years because of it. And a great deal of lying. So I'm sort of enthralled by your stripper stories because I never heard the other side and you're so lovely.

Satan said...

thanks, Tara!!
i love you lots.

it is weird, to have seen both sides - i used to date a guy who would go to strip clubs, but wouldn't let me go with him, and wouldn't let me work in one, even though i was curious.

so now, i dance.

it's interesting - i speak to so many people, and you would be surprised to see how many men i talk to, want to talk about how awesome their wives are.
(they are usually the lonely ones, on business trips.)

so, it's two sides of one coin, is what i'm awkwardly saying.

story said...

hilarious story.
when you began, i was thinking i would leave a comment asking how one might break into doing outcall parties but now i'm not sure i care to.
you do sound like you need some more responsible chicas to go with though. i would not want to be the stripper passed out at a bachelor party. i don't care how nice mr. bachelor is.
meanwhile, i'm glad everything worked out safely with you.
and hey, next time you leave town, let me know and maybe i'll come housesit for you :) you know how i love my nola.