Welcome to Hell

Welcome to hell. Please take a number. Her Evilness will be with you when she damn well feels like it.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

i invaded Austin, and i like it!

i haz a vacation!  yes, i did.  and of course, because i am a photographer, i took a shitload of pictures.  and now i will torture you with them.
be jealous! Austin is fucking awesome.

the first thing we saw, upon coming into the city and parking, was this note on the parking meter.
we laughed, hard.

libraries are my paradise, so of course i drooled a little bit here.

i have no idea what the hell this building is, but it looks neat-o.


ooh, pretty!
in a few ways, Austin reminds me of Portland (hills, city separated by a river).  i'll be excited to move on in.  ^_^

this, my friends, is not a "majestic cactus," as i was told when i bought one.
in fact, it's an agave plant (which is a succulent, not a cactus, for the record), which is Really Fucking Cool.  they get HUGE.  i have seen one that was at least 10 feet tall, and probably that wide, too.
it wasn't in Austin, though; funnily enough it's in fairhope, alabama.

Austin is absolutely full of these agaves, and i LOVE it.  i have an agave, i'd say about 2 feet tall, and i CAN'T WAIT to get to my Austin house, and plant that motherfucker in the yard and let it grow into a monster.

does anyone know what kind of bird this is?  they were everywhere.

UPDATE: a minion left this comment for me:
"I'm no bird-expert, but I think that's a grackle. And a particularly ugly one at that."

how right you are... this one IS ugly!  
good to know, now i can refer to them as grackles instead of "you know... those blackish birds that aren't crows, ravens, or blackbirds..."

i love old architecture, and i also love the way the sunlight hit on the building.

of COURSE we had barbeque.  NOM NOM NOM NOMnomnomnom

the Matt's "DUH?" face, i guess.  don't ask me.

oh, he says it was the "i'm gonna ruin this picture!" face.
well, then.  there you go.

the other person there is my brother Logan, who is moving with us to Austin.  so, in other words, our house will be the fucking psych ward.  in the good way, of course.

 when i am fabulously wealthy & rolling in golden coins, i will SO light up my fucking house just like this.  it's the capitol building, and while it looks white here, it's really a light reddish color in the sunlight.

our hotel, complete with possessed psychrowave.  check it out:

psycho.  it also liked to beep every 5 seconds while heating your food, if you got it to finally work.  and then it would just beep randomly, for no good reason, about every five minutes or so.  we had to unplug the damn thing to keep from stabbing it.

i mentioned the psychrowave to one of the staff, and she told me that someone had died on the floor we were on, in the stairwell.
she agreed that if the psychrowave was not in fact possessed, it could potentially be haunted.  i agreed.
although why a ghost would want to haunt a microwave is completely beyond me.

haunted staircase.  at some point, there was a body lying there.  gasp!

we found this at the homebrew beer shop, of course.  

possibly the funniest damn thing i've seen in a long time.  drunkicorn!  unikeg-stand!  gettin' horny!  wasty-face! (which is what Matt calls me when i'm drunk;  he claims i was "wasty-face" last night, and i can't exactly disagree...)

RUBBER.  CHICKEN. PURSE.  whyyyyy do you not live in my closet???

i need one of these suckers.
so terrible, it's wonderful.  get on mah boobies!

i found the boot store, and it was  PARADISE!

i'm not a terribly southern person, i'm really not.
i do say y'all, and yeah, i have a bit of an accent.  a bit.  a teeny, tiny bit.  Shut.  Up.
i'm not your stereotypical southerner, that's for sure.
in fact, many southerners think i'm a Yankee.  i got called a yankee for all of middle & high school - evidently their criteria for being said yankee is coming from anywhere above alabama.

however, i AM from Kentucky.  and we have tons of horses.
i didn't own any, but i certainly did ride:  i went to horse camp every summer.
and do you know what you need, when riding horses?  boots.  and if you ride western style, and i do, you want - nay, need - cowboy boots.

DROOL.  but there is no way in hell i would buy these, because those suckers are $2,000 FUCKING DOLLARS.  ouch!
even if i could afford them, what's the point of a pair of cowboy boots you can't stomp through the mud in?

possibly the highest peak of hideousness: purple leopard-print cowboy boots.
What. The. Fuck.

these boots are for if your dick's too small, and you want to compensate for that very badly.

hint:  women can figure that shit out.  it's kinda like those jacked-up truck-driving Affliction and Ed Harvey-wearing dipshits.  it's like advertising that you're a douchecanoe asshat with a small dick.  they probably wear Axe, too.
that shit is migraine in a can.

it's actually handy that they advertise themselves so well, if you think about it.  it's the human version of colorful plumage that says "keep away!!! POISON!!!  DO NOT MATE!!!"

i have no idea what kind of critter this was, but now it's tacked to a bathroom door in a boot shop.

these were my favorites.  i would have smuggled them out of the store like a bandit if they were A: my size, and B: black instead of brown, because i own approximately one brown thing, and it's probably a t-shirt.

scavenger hunt!!!  item one:  cowboy riding a rabbit.

um... check!

this is Matt's "get the hell out of the damn mirror so i can close the door and piss in peace!" face.
this is me trying to stop laughing at him long enough to take the picture.  ^_^

on the way out of Austin, i noticed that everything, literally everything, is cowboy-themed.  yes, even the bridges.  gun railings!  Gun Railings!!!  so cool.

i can't WAIT to move there, and break out my Stetson.

howdy, darlin'.



Shannon said...

I'm no bird-expert, but I think that's a grackle. And a particularly ugly one at that.

Lilscorpiosweetie said...

Looks like you had fun!! Can't wait to see what else you find in Texas and blog about.

Satan said...

question is more like: what WON'T i find to blog about?

i think one of my particular talents is finding the hilarious amongst the weirdest situations.

blogging-wise, things will probably be about the same, in that: i'm still crazy, i'll still live with Matt, my brother (who is also bipolar) will be joining us... and yeah, that's a recipe for some pretty psycho fun times. we rock it out like that.

Anonymous said...

Good pics. So Mobile, Portland, NoLa, and now Austin.

You ever plan to head back out West?