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Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Barista Fucking Hates You

::insert apologizing for not posting in forfuckingever due to [insert reason here], namely  working like a five year old in a sweatshop like a goddamn dog at this horrible, horrible JOB, in this case... ::

BUT NOT ANYMORE!  bwahahahahahha.  tomorrow is my Last Goddamn Day and i couldn't be happier about it.  but hell, it's given me a few things to think about, and here i present to you:

"How to Order Coffee Without Getting Cyanide In It For Being A Cockwaffle."


Be Specific, Dumbass.
"coffee."
WHAT.  no shit, you're at a coffee place, you dim bint.  so then, we play twenty questions!
"size?"
"regular."
what the fuck is that.  no, really.  we have three sizes.  the cups are right in front of you.  all you have to do is point, if the names are that confusing.
i hand them the cup for brewed coffee.
"no, i want a latte."
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRVGVBVBBBHHH%@@&^@#%^!#&!#%#!&$&!#%^


"Tea."
ohgod, here we go again.
"hot?  iced?"
"hot."
"what type?"
"Black."  we have 4 different black teas.  fuck me.
ooookay.  "which one?"
"the red one."  fuck my life, you are stupid.
......"Size???"

or, oooh!  oooh!  i really like this one.
"yogurt."
we have 3 different brands, and like 8 flavors.  WHICH ONE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU HAVE A BRAIN, DON'T YOU?
"which type?"
"blueberry."  there are three different blueberry yogurts WHY MUST YOU SUCK SO HARD?




Just Say No To Cappuccinos. 
oh i know, but it's your FAVORITE and you MUST have one, right?
fuck you, no you don't.  there's a line of 40 people behind you (no seriously, this place really is like this) and FUCK OFF.

just in case you're wondering:  cappuccinos suck because, in order to make one that doesn't taste like burned asshole, i have to start with fresh milk.  which means i have to stop everything else i'm making, and make Just This One Drink.  which means the extra milk in my pitcher that i just steamed has to be dumped Elsewhere, for your Motherfucking Cappuccino.  it's a drink that takes twice as long to make, and it stops everything else i'm doing.
plus, it's just a fucking latte with pretenses, and Fuck That.
which is why it's earned a moniker, among baristas everywhere:
PITA.
if you ever hear a barista call out a "PITA," you'll know that whatever drink it is, it's a PAIN IN THE ASS.

Corollary:  Frappuccinos are for Slow Times Only.
don't get me wrong, i understand the siren call of a good frozen coffee beverage.
i do, believe me.
however.
i've timed my average transaction at this job; i round out at about 20 seconds per customer, which is CRUCIAL when you have a constant line of about 40 people, for a solid two hours plus.  the line MUST MOVE.  i am very good at moving a line.

fraps take time, you gotta squirt 23624903 different syrups into the blender and snag ice and shit and blahblahblahblahblah the blender takes 20 seconds.  which means that by the time i make your One Fucking Frappucino, i could have checked out 3 or 4 different people.  you are Slowing My Roll, Goddamnit.
i will be happy to make you one.  when i'm not busy.

another corollary: baristas have shorthand on our drinks.  a frap would be an F.  a caramel frap, a CF.  mocha, MF. etcetera.
so you can be sure that when you order a frappuccino when i'm slammed, i'll be calling you a "Fucker," a "Cunt Face," or a "Mother Fucker!" under my breath.  every single time.
i truly enjoyed making up shit just for this.
vanilla frap?  "Venereal-diseased Fuckface!"
i can go on for days.

"I just need [insert thing here], can i cut line?"  
NO.  YOU ARE NOT A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE.

Just... Why?
anything Decaf, Sugar-Free, with skim milk:  it's a "Why bother?"
see also, decaf americanos.  seriously.  watered down espresso with no caffeine content?  why bother?


Don't Do This:
"grande caramel latte."
::makes latte::
"no, i wanted soy/skim/special snowflake caramel syrup."
I CAN'T READ MINDSSSSSSSS.

Or This:
::goes to make your drink::
"can i have [special mods that cost $1.35 extra] in that too?"
no.  no, you can't.  you KNOW that shit costs extra.
or you CAN, and you can give me $1.35 more.  back to the register with you.


Or THIS:
::me, working a line of 30 people::
person i've already checked out, at the end of the counter:
"I Demand Special Thing No One Else Wants."
i don't respond within ten seconds, because i'm busy.
"I DEMAND SPECIAL THING NO ONE ELSE WANTS, FOR I AM A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE, RIGHT NOW, I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME, I WANT SPECIAL THING NO ONE ELSE WANTS, I AM A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE."
mother fucker.  if you want whole milk instead of half & half or skim, MIX THEM TOGETHER, it's the same fucking thing.  or, you know, just DEAL.
alternately:  wait until i have two seconds, and POLITELY request your special snowflake item, and be goddamn gracious when i give it to you.

DON'T THROW CHANGE AT ME.
i will eat your fucking face.


How To Make The Barista Fucking Love You:
i don't expect everyone to have their coffee lingo down pat.  i don't.  i have a customer i LOVE that orders "that thing you make me."
she came up, described what type of drink she liked:  "small, sweet, really caffeinated, milky, iced!"  cool.  what flavors are your favorite?  "vanilla."
excellent!  you get a small iced vanilla latte, with an extra shot, and extra vanilla.  i got this.

if you can tell me what TYPE of thing you want, i can probably get you something you really like.  and i don't mind this.  i actually LOVE helping someone figure out their perfect coffee drink.

"the usual!"
if i see you often enough and you regularly order the same exact thing, chances are that i will spot you and start your drink before you've even ordered it.   i dearly love my regulars, no matter what type of ridiculous shit they order, even if they are assholes.  i never have to play 20 questions with them.  plus, most of them are awesome, anyway.

"you just make it better than everyone else!"  oh god, stroke my ego, stroke it i say!  i love you.


for the record:
if you would like to streamline your coffee experience, and you know what you want, you can list it in a certain way that will make everything go quicker.

1. size
2. flavor
3. type of drink (latte, coffee, frappy whatever)
4.  mods - ie soy/skim/breve, decaf, extra shot.

for example, if you want a medium latte with vanilla syrup and almond milk:
"medium vanilla latte with almond milk, please!"
::scribble scribble::
"THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"



3 comments:

NellieVaughn said...

Can I just write it out? I'll bring a note with me. If I have to say it..Oh god, my head hurts, and I am starting to panic.

Gwendolyn said...

you had me at: taste like burned asshole

I LOVE this post. Historically, I've been one of those assholes that orders a cappuccino. Then I tried to go latte but to me it tastes like all milk with a hint of coffee. Then I was told to order it, "dry" so I started doing that and with an extra shot then they started giving me the stink eye when I would say "dry." "But I thought I was following the proper protocol." I TOTALLY agree about assdouchetards being stupid.

Anonymous said...

So angry.