explaining legwarmers.

partially in response to Crazy Lady's comment on my "bah, humbug" post (see two entries below), but also a manifesto of how awesome i know that legwarmers are. for pretty much any occasion.

i am a child of the 80's, and i fell in love with legwarmers as a child. consequently i wore them throughout my life, both to ballet class and outside of it.

in fact, i even have photographic proof from high school, 2002, when they were most decidedly NOT COOL.


i didn't care then, and i don't care now.

i did a very large, expansive happy dance when they came back in fashion!
and when they go back out...
i'm still gonna wear them.

legwarmers are also very handy when you're dancing. dance of all kinds, that is. alas, my ballet days are over, but they're perfect for days like today, when i was at work, freezing my ass off because it's cold out and management can't figure out the fucking thermostat...
ahem. anyhow. it was blazing hot on the stage (there is a heating vent up there, i just know it) and freezing everywhere on the floor, except for the one golden spot: we have a gas fireplace. consequently, me in my small dress and legwarmers was stationed there for 90% of my stay at work. because goose bumps, are not so much The Sexy.

EDIT:
also, for those who may be interested, i updated the "Bah, humbug" post with pictures of the UV pole(s) i mentioned at the end there, because they are all kinds of awesome, and i do have the pictures...

bah, humbug! and other grinchy statements

i don't celebrate Xmas.

let me say that again, in case y'all didn't hear over the protesting.

yes, i know "everyone" loves Xmas. presents, and santa, and oh my gods will the bullshit ever end?

i think my largest gripe with Xmas is the advertising, starting in September and marching towards January. i was one of those ornery kids who wouldn't believe in santa, so it holds no fuzzy memories for me. none. nada.

i'm also not christian (i can almost hear the "unfollow" clicks now! snerk!) so, yeah. i don't celebrate Xmas, for many reasons.

but i do celebrate Yule.

now, what is Yule? well it's plenty of things - it celebrates the winter solstice (longest night of the year), and it celebrates winter, and it also celebrates the earth coming back from winter, and edging towards spring.
traditionally people decorated (not killed) live trees (outside) with food, for the woodland critters, to help them survive the winter.
aaand, suchlike and so on.

this isn't a platform for one holiday versus the other, but it will explain why the extent of my holiday finery can fit onto my bookshelf.

hey, i think the Holiday Bookshelf decorating might catch on!
note our gingerbread house, which is not, in fact, a house, but a Brewery.
i believe that just might have been Matt's idea, but i'm not sure. eggnog was involved.

i cut my tongue today. on an envelope. not fair. but i do have a fair amount of holiday correspondence that i send out.

too much, possibly. well, some of those are bills. the rest is all hello, world of friends, i am still alive!

please write back, my buddies! i love letters. i avoid email for days, but i always check the mail box. go figure.

i have great stamps for winter correspondence, and i must use them. which is about half my motivation for sending out the winter-themed correspondence at all.

PENGUINMAS FTW!

and finally, i've procured a picture of my purple/pink hair.

yes, i cut my head off in this picture on purpose. it was the only way i could get a halfway decent shot of the colors in my dim living room, and no i'm not posing for a picture with a tripod just to get a shot of my technicolor hair... i'll save that for a good shot sometime. as a photographer, i'm not fond of tripods in general, i'm more of a candids kind of girl - which is also why no one's taken a decent picture of me in ages. i miss my photographer friends, le sigh.

oh, and i got new strippah shoes. they are pretty fabulous, and full of the glitter.

and, because it is that special (grinch-filled) time of year for me, where i go around sneering at decorations involving reindeer, i include a present for you - pictures of me, taken at work by my coworkers.

you can tell how bored we were that day. no customers for almost an hour. still, gave me time to show off my purty little working girl self to y'all.


i talked to one of the head-honcho managers about writing about the club (including the name, oh gasp!) because a writer i know recently got kicked out of her favorite club for doing just that. it was the first time i'd ever asked to write about anything, but he gave me the go-ahead, "as long as you're not bashing anyone." picture him saying that in a great european accent, and you'll get the faintest clue as to what it's like working in my club.

wednesday night was fun, we went to the club's party for the employees (and also a bunch of random people i'd never seen before) and saw a burlesque show. it was nice to be there and not be working! my only regret is that i was unable to "inappropriately hump" my friend G. because i didn't see him. ah, well. i did get matt to dance on one of the VIP UV poles, so that's fuckin' awesome!

too bad i don't have a picture of that!

EDIT, 12/18/10:

i do, however, have pictures of the UV pole in question.

this is me hanging upside down,

this is displaying the fact that the thing changes colors.

yes, yes it does.

almost too quickly, it probably would hurt the head if you're drunk or hung over. but, i really enjoy them. also they are plastic, so they are really grippy to dance on, and i like that.

Story Comes To Town: Hijinks Ensue

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hello, stripper mojo! i see we're back.

i've had a great week at the strip club so far, it's been really outstanding. i've made decent (if not excellent) money all week, and i've had encounters with very few Douchebags, and a whole lot of great customers. so much awesomeness.

i read a ton of blogs - among them, blogs of fellow strippers. strangely enough, it helps me gear into the right mindset to go to work, instead of, say, making me very tired of all things strip-club related.
so this one lady i read, Ava Adore, has a great thing - a DSM of all the various types of Douchebags that come into strip clubs. i think this is a fantastic idea - but instead, since i've had a great week (and presumably, it'll continue!), i'm going to do a post of all the awesome types of customers i've had this week.

The Shockingly Stoked Straight Girl
she says she's straight, and she came with her boyfriend. yet she's the one who's pulling him up to the stage, and pushing dollars into his shirt so you can retrieve them with your boobies. add persistent drunken "omg you're sooooo beautiful!" comments, and this girl can make a day shift - by buying lapdances for her friends, or herself.
thank you, straight girl! : ]

The Merry Married Couple
they're married, they're at the tip rail, and they're having a blast. the lady is smiling, and when one spouse leaves the table, the other is shoving money at you under the table to get the other a dance.
they say the couple that plays together stays together, and they're right.
you guys kick ass.

The Group of Young People Who Tip
they're drunk on bourbon street, they're 20-somethings, and they understand the importance of Tipping The Stripper. unlike their asshole redneck/fratboy/Douchebag brethren, they Get It - and they are having a blast. and hey, so am i, cuz someone just threw a $20 onstage!

The Older Gentleman What Wants A Lapdance
i have this thing, where after i've sat with someone for a minute and made the obligatory introductions, i ask them what they've come in for. ("so, you here for the titties, the sports, or the beer? what's your favorite thing to do here?")
this guy has come in for the girls, wants a dance or two (or five...), and after some nice intellectual conversation, takes you back for the aforementioned lapdances. and when he's done, he leaves. no time wasted, and all is fun.

The Decorators
they come in to drink, and to hand me money. they're semi-regulars. they won't go tip you while you're on stage, and they won't buy dances - but they will hand you $10s, $20s, or $50s while they sit and drink. and they'll also get you reeeallly drunk, if you're into that sort of thing. they can make a really dead day shift into a fantastic shift, simply by being there.

i've run out of the stereotypes for now, but hey, at least there's this many of them in one week!
woohooo!!

i'm pretty sure i win this week.
: ]

you can't win them all... and sometimes, you just can't win.

y'all will never guess who fucking showed up in my club.

remember Bag of Hammers girl? as in, my former boss, who is Dumber Than A?
(actually, that's insulting the hammers.)
yeeaaah.

she, who was so holier-than-thou about most of the dancers at the country bar being former/current strippers? the one who repeatedly told us to stop shaking it "like strippers"?
uh huh. guess what she is, now.
HA!

my only problem is, really, did it HAVE to be my club? there are so many other fucking clubs she could be working at.
why, why mine?
only my life.

although, i have to admit, it does come with a bit of satisfaction. like, watching her completely fail to make money on the first night of NFL, when she showed up in fucking VIKINGS colors....

and you know, every time i watch her stumble around on the stage looking like she knows all the right stripper moves, but can't manage to make them look like anything but a badly pieced-together montage of the worst moves from a shitty porn, i just smile and smile. i've seem many baby strippers, but most of them just look new. she just looks as if she can't dance, and will never manage to get the look down.
i will be shocked if she lasts a month.

karma lasts laugh. and sometimes, while topless.

back to "regularly" scheduled programming...

ah, what a new (used) mac can bring! updates on my favorite bloggers, and a whole bunch of time-wasting activities (a la facebook...)
at last, i am back.

now, it comes to my attention that "stripping" might not be specific, so for the record:
stripping, as in dancing, topless. in new orleans, currently, on bourbon street.

FAQs:
OMG reallly?
yes, really. for, i am not ashamed of my job. like any other job, it has great perks and also big drawbacks, which often result in really funny stories.

do your parents know???!?!?!!!!
yes. for reasons that are actually hilarious, and will no doubt be written about one day, when i am not being lazy. while i wouldn't say either of them "approve," per se, they accept it just fine.

does your boyfriend know?
knows, and accepts. possibly encourages. "conflicted," says he. i believe his biggest issue with my job is possible safety issues. nice people are not on bourbon street, this is undeniable.

do you like it?
gah, that's complicated! yes, and no. yes, because it's easy. no real schedule, i get to drink on the job, and sometimes it's really, really easy money. i don't mind being naked in public, or talking to total strangers. and i really, really love dancing, and being a performer, and having a stage to do it on.
no, because some customers are just fucking asshats, and fail to treat you like a human being, much less one deserving respect. but then again...jobs. they sometimes do and do not come with lots of dignity. eh?
now, i've been doing this on and off, for five years. so obviously it's not something i absolutely hate.


that probably about covers the very FAQs, others may be asked in comment box below, and NOW... to the point of this blog (HA...)
What I AM UP TO RECENTLY.

mostly dancing. see, in new orleans, almost all the local clubs are right on, or a block off, bourbon street. it's like one big street full of half-naked. especially with all the tourist girls flashing for beads.
(news flash, y'all? they're plastic beads. not worth flashing for, every local knows this...)
so, since vacating the country bar, i've been at the Club, which we will not name for fairly obvious reasons. i could be surfing back and forth to several clubs, but i tend to like one, and stick to it. makes for ease of not having to cart a whole bunch of stripper shit around.
nice things in this club:
great big dressing rooms, with tons of lockers. there's a washer/dryer and showers, and it's actually clean, which can be a total rarity in strip clubs. it has granite stages, one stationary pole, and one spinner pole.
comes with the requisite staff, some awesome bartenders/waitresses, the usual mix of customers.

saints games are crazy down here, especially home games, and good times to be running around a bunch of sports nuts, half naked, in black and gold. supposedly i'll be going into work tomorrow for said game, however: i have felt like crapola all week long, and have only managed to go in for two days.
like i said, any jobs has a perk or two, and at this particular club, all you have to do is show up whenever you want to work. now, the managers may call and try to persuade you in on other days, but if you don't go it, it's not like they can fire you, unless you're doing something like turning tricks in the VIP rooms, or Being a Drunken Mess All Of The Time. (some clubs might tolerate this behavior, but mine doesn't. which is a good portion of the reason i like it.)
so, if i want to be lazy for a week, i can be. it's nice. especially when you're feeling badly. on the other hand, i don't make any money on my couch. being self-employed sometimes requires you to be more motivated than usual about working, or you won't ever work.

since i don't really have any motivation at the moment (to work or really do a good job at blogging, or at least being funny) i will give you a random list of interesting/amusing/horrifying things that have happened at work recently.

in the past couple weeks i've talked to people from: canada, india, scotland, england, turkey, and probably at least 3 other places i'm forgetting. oh, switzerland. the scots and swiss were hot.

a guy totally licked my ear during a lapdance... i literally gave a full-body shudder, and took the sleeve of his t-shirt and scrubbed the shit out of my ear. you can best believe i beat it post-haste after that dance to the bathroom to have an impromptu bath.
attention, strip club patrons: tongue in ear is NOT hot. EVER. I DO NOT LET MY BOYFRIEND(OR GIRLFRIEND) DO THIS. get a clue!
second...even if i liked this, it's still not appropriate to do to your friendly neighborhood stripper, unless you receive verbal go-ahead.

i found out one of the DJs, who is normally a wonderful person, won't play Sparta and At the Drive-In for me, and this makes him suck a bit.

i drink one particular brand of bourbon at work (Bulleit, for the interested, it's a small batch and it's both tasty and affordable), and i found out that the bar goes through about a bottle of it per week. now, i am usually the probable sole drinker of this bourbon, which makes me feel a tad bit alcoholic. i'm not, but still, that's a bit in excess of how much i usually drink.
drinking on the job is probably not so good for you. also, living in new orleans probably doesn't help. i'm fairly convinced drunk driving is an unofficial louisiana sport or something. the culture here is swimming in the sauce. (not bashing, i'm just saying...we drink. a lot. hell, i have a monday night club devoted to this sport.)

aaaand, let the comments commence!!!

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