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Saturday, January 8, 2011

meditations on getting hitched

there's something about working wedding gigs that just gets me thinking some really strange shit.
stuff like "ohmigod that is the ugliest fucking flower arrangement i have EVER seen, i would never be tacky enough to put that shit at my wedding."

yep, that's pretty ugly.

and "who did that fucking lopsided cake??!?!?"  ::gets bakery info, writes DO NOT EVER ORDER FROM HERE beside it::

believe it nor not, i have seen some really large professional cakes that looked worse than this one - leaning more, and fucked up decoration... yeah.  getting a good baker is essential if you're going for the expensive monster cake deal, otherwise just save your money and get a damn sheet cake or cupcakes or something.

i want something all pretty that looks like this, i want it to be red velvet cake too, because that is my absolute FAVORITE, with some fondant icing because that shit is DELICIOUS:

only a lot bigger.  because you can NEVER have too much cake.  plus you gotta save the top layer to eat on your first anniversary nom from the freezer at 4 am with a fork. 

a lot of wedding work comes down to flattery, if you're me.  if you compliment the bride, she won't have a chance to be mad at you for anything, even if it is taking FOR-FUCKING-EVER to print some pictures out of the photobooth because your printers all fucked up simultaneously.

"your dress is soooooo gorgeous!!!" often equals "you may have money, but money CAN'T buy taste," in mel-speak.

 i'm pretty sure dresses like this flatter absolutely no one.  especially if you are about as big around as my broom handle and have chosen a damn fishtail skirt - way to make yourself look even more anorexic!  yay!!!
::end cynicism::

of course, i'm not always critiquing absolutely everything.  i appreciate a tasteful wedding reception.  the one i worked today was a "happily ever after" theme, which sounds hurl-worthy, but it was actually tastefully done.  there was a white chocolate castle on the top of their (not lopsided, very pretty, covered in real flowers) cake.  plus some of their floral arrangements were so fucking huge it took two people to carry that shit inside.  AND the bride arrived in a freaking cinderella open coach thing.  pretty cool.

this bride had great taste, especially in the dress.  and she was also considerate enough to hike her wedding a few months ahead of the original date, when it was confirmed her sister's due date was close to the original date.  sweet.  (which is also why everything was in spring colors, in january...)

it's interesting to be behind the scenes while stuff like this is still setting up.  it's all frantic and crazy and then BOOM! perfect wedding stuffs.

i always end up there early and even when it all starts, it's kinda tacky to sit there and read a novel while i'm bored and all the guests are there, but they're eating the yummy free food and boozing.  so i end up thinking about what the fuck i would do if i got married, since there's all kinds of wedding vomiting all over my surroundings.

to this end, i end up sending texts like this:

mel:  i know you're hardly the traditional guy, but... random question.  do you think the guy "should" buy the engagement ring?  or is that something to buy dutch?

matt:  what is dutch??  traditionally yes, but i think that depends on the relationship.

mel:  dutch = going in on it together.  i was asking you what you would potentially do.  this is how i amuse myself when i'm bored, thinking up random crap.

matt:    i would probably get it myself.

mel:  just idly curious.

contrary to how this conversation might appear, i'm NOT fishing for an engagement ring, which Matt thankfully knows, since otherwise i think he'd be backing up with his fingers in a cross shape in front of him.  (get thee back, Satan!!!)
if Matt asked me to marry him right now, i'd ask him for a fucking year or two to think about it.  and it's not like i don't like/love him or anything.

but i find it hard to think about what i would consider to be "the sign" of wanting to do something like get married.  maybe i'm a cynic, maybe i've had too many breakups and bad relationships, but i don't usually expect things to last.  i'm happily surprised when they do.  so to me, two years of dating is not much.  maybe in 5 years of dating, i would have a clue if i wanted to get married to someone. maybe.  i'm still not sold on the whole marriage idea, frankly.  (until gay marriage becomes legal, and then i might marry a lady JUST TO DO IT.  of course, i would need the right lady.)
; ]

my reticence to get married has nothing to do with how much i like sparkly rocks, though.  i already have a ring i wear on "the wedding ring finger"  because i have a fucking history, okay, and i've been engaged and had to give back my SHINY SPARKLY ROCKS and swore to myself after that, i'd get myself my own damn diamonds that i'd never have to give back to any dickhole if i decided i didn't like him anymore.  and since my grandmother had given me a diamond cluster ring when she died, i got that sucker reset.  (i can't wear clusters, big jewelry or high settings - on my teeny fingers it looks like grandma jewelry.  ironic, and also appropriate.)   now, it looks like this:

(that looks awfully dirty in that picture... maybe i should clean it.  it's probably been a while.   >_<)
i don't intend to ever stop wearing it, so i would like ring(s!!!) that i can stack with it.  like this, my current (OMG DROOOOL) find on etsy - conveniently antique (art deco), exactly my size, and perfect.  
and oh-so out of my budget, big time.  : [

i also think about dresses.  because like many girls, i am hardly immune to the siren song of a purty dress.  i also really hate white.  frankly, it makes me look pasty and fat if i wear it, no matter how skinny or not i might be at the time.  my skin doesn't get along with it.  i myself am far too white to carry it off.

and of course, i fancy myself a rebel or something, and i don't want to ever get married in white.  not only do i SO not qualify for a "white wedding" (SNERK), i also find it to be lacking in imagination.  actually i find most weddings to be very lacking in imagination.

(everyone does the same fucking thing, and since i see a fuckton of weddings, i'm a pretty good judge of what "everyone" is doing.  right now, that thing is photobooths, among other things, making Matt and i some money.  sweet.)

not that i'm judging you if you want that whole white dress thing.  (okay maybe i am a little, but whatever, you don't have to please me with your fucking wedding, yo.)

i sat there for about an hour thinking about what i'd want my own wedding dress to look like.  hell, i had a hour to kill.  what the fuck else do you think about at a wedding?  well, bad bands or djs, you can think about that too.  but i try to tune them out if they suck.

so yeah, i was designing a dress in my head.  i'm thinking green, maybe a green-blue material.  something like a combo of the left two colors, perhaps?  hell, all of these are purty.

i definitely want it to be made of silk.  the nubby kind, i think it looks cool.
ooh, i just found a great silk color (& there are a ton of others just as pretty but i won't torture you with them):

i want straps because i don't want to be hiking the damn thing over my tits all night, but i also want the thing to be nearly backless because i want to show off my tattoos.  have y'all seen the tattoos on my back?  well, here's a picture. 

(and for the record, NO, THEY ARE NOT ANGEL WINGS.  they are black and tattered for fuck's sake, what kind of bloody angel..... no, i'm not bitter.  why do you ask???
they are raven wings.  you know, like the bird?

 if i had a fucking dollar for every truly terrible  "angel" pickup line i've ever been forced to endure, i would be a fucking millionaire by now.)

anyway.  i figure that a halter would do nicely.  a thin halter strap with a plunging V neckline in front.
 so i've imagined a green dress, halter V neckline, plunging V in back, and i also want a split skirt.

this is kinda what i have in mind, only more to the side, and cut a bit higher or something.
the underskirt will be cream, a dark rich tone something like this:

maybe a bit darker.  i don't fucking know!  i would maybe draw this shit but i can't draw.

THEN i saw some lady walking by in this cool skirt with black velvet patterns on it, and i thought "Black!  i need some black."  because i love black.  black and green are my favorite colors (with blue coming in a close second), so i swear all this makes sense, somehow, in my crazy brain.  so then i decided i needed thin black velvet trim along the split part of the skirt, and also the neckline/straps/backline.
it will match the black heels i'll want to wear.  because really, white heels??? could anything stain any quicker than white shoes?  shudder.

okay, i drew it.  obviously i can't draw, but you get the damn idea.

yeah, like i said.  i had nothing better to do.  then i started thinking, who the fuck would do a custom dress in silk and not charge me like $4,000,000 for it?  sooooo....

mel:  random question:  if i got married would you be willing to make/help me make my dress?
...i'm working a wedding photobooth gig.  obviously, i'm bored.

mom:  sure!!!

at least my mom loves me.  and thankfully, knows how to operate a sewing machine.  i could probably do it all by myself, but it might look a little wonky (i have this bad habit of sewing with no pattern whatsoever), and take me like three fucking years.  it takes FOREVER to sew by hand. 

so yeah.  now that i've hit you with my random obsession of the day, don't judge me please don't think i'm usually all wedding obsessed, and unfunny.
i strive, yearn, strain for the funny.

actually i think all this shit really IS pretty funny.  because really what matters is the whole relationship - not one damn day.

if/when i get married, i can tell you what there won't be:  there will be no church, no seriousness, no old, judgmental relatives- but there will be fun.
oh yes, there will be fun.  there will be an outdoor ceremony/reception.  there will be lots of booze, and really good beer.  there will be delicious expensive champagne for me, and cheap champagne for everyone else (unless i really, really love you, then i might share mine).  there will be a bonfire.  there will be people passing out everywhere.  if it's done right, there will be nakedness, and people fucking here and there in the dark.   hopefully all my poly partners will all be there, with their (hopefully accepting) families.
most of all, there will be joy, and freedom, and silliness.

life is way too short to do what everyone else wants you to do.  i plan on having the best party i've ever thrown.  and if we all aren't massively hung over by morning, we've just got to keep going!


Anonymous said...

Your ideal wedding sounds like the wedding we're currently planning. Only my dress is white...hey, don't judge, it's my style and was $50. :)

Satan said...

no judging. : ]
well then at least your wedding will be fun to attend!!
unlike some bore-fests i've been to that didn't even serve booze...

Andygirl said...

I think I've studied too much history, because while I do want to marry someday, the symbolism of most weddings makes me hurl.

for me: no veil, no poofy anything, no diamond (I have opinions about diamonds), no getting given away or walking down the aisle like some effing prize, etc. I'll get married barefoot at the beach with closest friends and then we'll just dance all night. perfect.

also: do you read cakewrecks? you should.

Satan said...

yeah, i also hate a lot of the same things!
i don't get the veil (what WAS that symbolism there??) and i am definitely not being given away by a man. i can walk there my damn self.
know what else i'm not doing? "OMG you can't see the bride before she's walking down the aisle!"

what are your opinions on diamonds??? i'm curious.

(although as much as i try, i can't get over my love of diamonds. i know it's silly. but i'm giving therapy a shot, though, by buying rubies, sapphires, topaz... : ] )

and of course, i LOVE cakewrecks!!

Brandy Wilcoxen said...

I actually think the dress sounds gorgeous.

Organic Meatbag said...

Those angel wings are beautiful!!! Kidding! hehehe