Welcome to Hell

Welcome to hell. Please take a number. Her Evilness will be with you when she damn well feels like it.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

why i love my roommates, past and present

this is a comment that my former roommate and camping buddy from Portland (Dave, hello!) left, regarding the previous post, on my facebook page.

i decided it was so fucking epic that it needed to be shared.

"When I was nineteen, twenty, I worked as a car parker at some of long Island's finest Wedding and Bar Mitzvah establishments.
These are places that have rabbis, but no congregations, just catering facilities. Lots of pinks and mauve in the decor, with huge, tasteless crystal chandeliers.
Most of the brides and grooms were so high on cocaine that they had no idea what they were doing, and the best man often tipped us teenagers with a snow seal. (Ah, the affluent NY community in the early 80's.)
As an outsider working the gig, it was painfully obvious that at least 8 out of ten couples were completely incompatible, as were their families.
My all time favorite was the Italian, Jewish wedding where the two families set up in hostile camps on opposite sides of the ballroom. The obviously pregnant bride was wearing a white stretch polyester gown, with white powder caught in her untrimmed nose hairs. The groom, drunk as well as coked out, made a clutching, grabbing pass at her younger sister. Classy.
Thank you Satan, for bringing back fond memories."

writing about weddings like a weirdo obsessed high schooler?  possibly strange.  but garnering THIS story, in doing so???
definitely PRICELESS.


Sara said...

I hope my wedding is JUST like that.

Satan said...

...but you're not preggers?
and hopefully you don't have visible nose hairs.
but otherwise... i get an invite, right?
; ]

Andygirl said...


Andygirl said...

I also forget to say in my comment on your wedding post: I've always wanted to marry myself. pledge to love and honor myself until death do I part. when I do? you're so invited.

Satan said...

that is a great idea!!! we could definitely have a party in favor of that. in fact, i bet we could get a whole contingency of peeps who want to do the same thing... unless you're wanting that to be your special thing, in which case i should stop typing now...
gah i'm drunk. ish.
you should see how many typos i made trying to do this comment, it would be embarrassing.