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Welcome to hell. Please take a number. Her Evilness will be with you when she damn well feels like it.

Monday, January 10, 2011


i am currently nursing a headache (from a lump on my head), a skinned elbow, and a contusion on my right shin. 

why, you ask???

see what had happened wuz...

tonight (as in the 10th) is The Matt's birthday.   so we went out to one of our favorite bars, and then came back, very much not sober. 

scene:  we're standing in the kitchen, and matt has that gleam in his eye.  the gleam that says, my cold hands are about to be up your shirt in 3, 2, 1...
(keep in mind these two things:  1.  i was wearing a cashmere sweater.  so that means it's not washable.  2.  i am allergic to cats)

matt is going in for the hug/grope:  i say, "hey, no, this is a  nonwashable sweater!  i know that jacket has cat hair on it!"  (because he just picked up the cat 5 seconds ago...)

matt shucks jacket.

me:  "well, that shirt has cat hair too, i know it must!"  (in a dramatic tone)

matt shucks shirt.

me:  "but your PANTS!"

matt pantomimes taking off pants.
he also starts y'know, groping.  up the shirt like.  with his jeans all over my (large, long, baggy Cashmere Unwashable) sweater
i say, "hey!!  if you're gonna do that, then i'ma stick a finger up your butt..."  while i shove my hand down the back of his pants, and wiggle my finger.

now a normal guy here would, say, laugh or say "Don't DO that!!!" or.. something reasonable and rational.  most of them laugh at me, because they know it's an IDLE threat - i would never do something that's non-consensual.  and the rest of them... well, they liked having fingers up their butt. 

matt, however, is either the most paranoid motherfucker i know, or he's just nuts, but what actually happened was he did this weird judo-throw move while twisting, which resulting in both of us crashing down to the floor - but not before my elbow hit the (metal) shelf, his ENTIRE weight landed on my right shin, and my head hit the door (we were in the kitchen here, so my back door).  i think he bonked his head (twice) AFTER we both landed on the floor. 

have you ever been simultaneously in a large amount of pain, AND laughing hysterically, even though it hurts your head? 

so yeah, that was my night, how was yours??
i hope it was good.
because my head fucking HURTS!!!


Brandy Wilcoxen said...

Whoa, rough sex will do that to ya.

Sara said...


Sexiest. Story. Evahhh.

Andygirl said...

it's like we were separated at birth...5 years apart. or is it 4?

also weird? I've had a major headache today too.

when I was 25, I was dating this boy that I would wrestle with often once, he accidentally head butted me in the head. I had a raging headache the next day and went to urgent care convinced I had a hematoma. the doc asked me what happened and I was like, my boyfriend head butted me. yeaaaaah, that took some explaining. also turns out if your boyfriend head butss you, you'll get a headache.

Satan said...

well i'm 26 so it depends on if you're 31 or 30!

it must be headache day or something. you and i and matt have all had achy heads today.

Andygirl said...

I'm 30. so just Irish twins then. :)

brewgreen said...

I have no memory of any of this. I also had a horrible headache the next day and didn't find out why until reading this. How awesome is it to learn more about yourself and stupid things you have done from the interwebs!?

alonewithcats said...

I'll remember this next time I'm trying to get someone in bed. "Oh, you don't want cat hair all over your nice sweater. Better take it off ..."