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Friday, October 5, 2012

hello from Hell

there's a few reasons i haven't been blogging.  some of them are mundane - being lazy, working with the photobooths, etc.

i have plenty of things to tell you about, too - the great concert i went to recently, the cool people i've run into, what i've been up to for the past few months.  i've been living a pretty cool life, and it's not boring - i have stuff to say.

so then, why haven't i been here?

when i first started this blog, i absolutely wanted it to be a humor blog.  because of this, whenever my bipolar ass gets really depressed, i don't want to post.  because it won't be funny.

I, Satan, Am Currently Depressed.

and i've been trying to get myself to sit down and write about other shit, but it hasn't happened.  so fuck it, i'll write about right now.

i've written about my dad on this blog.  i portray him as a hilarious, fun person.  and generally, he really is.

sometimes, he isn't.  he can be judgmental, and viciously cruel, if you dare to disagree with him.  FUCKING GODS FORBID you try to talk politics with the man, and expect reasonable discourse.  his version of a political discussion is the equivalent of a toddler sticking its fingers in its ears and going "NYAHAH NANANANANNA I'M NOT LISTENING."

my dad came to visit me here in Austin recently.  about a week ago, maybe two.  and since then, i've been more than just a bit down in the dumps.  it took me a few days to really get out of bed and stay out.

my dad came on a sunday afternoon, and left on a tuesday afternoon.  obviously this visit was a ROARING success.  /SARCASM

i made the TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE mistake on monday night of actually attempting to talk to him about something that truly concerned me.  it was sorta political, but i wasn't talking about politics - i was trying to say something that really meant something to me.

earlier in the evening he had LITERALLY stormed out of a bar, leaving me to APOLOGIZE TO STRANGERS that we had been conversing with, because he didn't want to listen to something that someone was saying.  instead of being a rational human being and saying something like "let's talk about something else," he left the bar in a huff, and left me behind.  i had to run a block to catch up with him.

and after this happened, i made my DRASTICALLY HORRIBLE OPINION KNOWN - ie that i really think all human beings need health care, this being a major concern for me, as i have been hospitalization, i-think-i'm-dying sick from asthma a few times.  more than a few times, truth be told.  i once had walking pneumonia for nearly a semester in college, due to asthma bullshit that just wouldn't calm down. yay, senior year.

my dad is a republican.  not a fiscal republican, not a moderate republican - a Rush Limbaugh-listening, rabid, Fox News-watching, hate-spewing Republican.  i know better than to try to talk to him about politics.  i know it will end badly.  but i can't even make a simple point without him turning and attacking me.  as in, personally.

so here we are, sitting at this restaurant, eating some burgers, and i try to bring up a few things that are important to me - and try to explain WHY they are important to me.  instead of letting me get out more than three sentences, my dad turns on me.

he has a big beef that i haven't followed him in his judgment-filled christian ways.  he's not so much "do unto others" as "i think i know what the bible means and you're all WRONG and you live horribly blah blah blahblah."  which, considering that my dad is gay (and thus a self-loathing gay man, because his INTERPRETATION of his religion leaves no room for anything other than a slave-like devotion to antiquated rules), is especially shocking, but mostly sad.

"Don't think that you haven't turned out to be a major disappointment to me,"  he hissed.  as we were sitting in a mostly empty restaurant.  with all the staff staring at us, probably.  "I tried to raise you with all that is RIGHT and you have just gone and thrown it away."  or something to that effect.  i'm sure those aren't the exact words, because i was sitting there in shock, my eyes filling with tears.

i just shut down, and shut up.  i gave up.  i drank my bourbon, and we went back to the car and drove home.
i cried on the way home, i cried all night, i cried in my sleep.  i woke up crying.

and then, with my eyes so swollen anybody could tell there was something deeply wrong, my dad pretended that nothing had happened.  we went to lunch, we toured the Capitol building, we came home, he left.

i am the type of person who doesn't let anyone give me shit.  ANYONE.  but i just don't know how to deal with the man.  i have a very hard time dealing with people who can't think rationally.  and his first instinct is to turn and bite, and i don't want to go to that level.  i DON'T want to spit out some of this shit i really think about my dad, because hey - i'd like to have a relationship with him.

this is a man who, if i were to sincerely make my opinions of him and his politics known, would have no qualms about absolutely cutting me off and pretending that i didn't exist.  i would know.  i've seen him do it to others.  he has a nonexistent relationship with my brother.  i'm pretty much the last family member standing.  and this is because i haven't spoken my mind.

this situation has somewhat come to a head, for me.  but it's not a good choice, either way.  shut up & bite my tongue, or say what i really mean, and possibly have him never talk to me again?

this is the shit that's on my mind.


Cerebral BananaStickers Milkshake said...

Damn... that's a mess.
So far as whether or not to speak your mind or keep quiet, I'd be willing to bet either will still result in him showing some level of resentment towards you for not thinking and feeling and being what he wants you to be. And if he disowns you for speaking your mind? His loss. Parents who disown their kids for being different from them are just miserable and hard deep to their core and there's not much that will change that once they are set in their ways. I say speak your mind because he'll still be the same either way, and I know how painful it would be for you to have him remove himself from your life, but in the end? You are free to be you and you won't have to worry about what the fuck he thinks anymore. Not to mention, there will come a time when you will have to pick his nursing home.
Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I do hope all turns out well for you with all of this.

Una said...

I am so sorry. I was confused for most of the post because I was like "isn't mel's dad gay?" But I feel you on the wanting to be able to have a rational discussion with your father. My dad's more the ears turning purple, banging his fist on the table, and yelling kind of person, but it's really hard to explain things like why healthcare is important, why equal marriage rights are important, how things like white male privilege exist & how it sucks.

My therapist says I should just avoid those topics with him because unless he wants to change, I'm just putting energy into something that is never going to happen. I'm sad about that, but I've learned that my dad & I can talk about: his health, my health, cute baby animals, HouseHunters, and the food network. Just have to work with that. :-/

I'm so sorry this has made you feel bad. It sucks and there's nothing we can do about our parents' behavior & self-awareness. Just gotta take it or leave it.

Satan said...

well, he IS gay. but it still doesn't keep him from being a hypocrite...

Gwen said...

Boy, I don't know where to begin...First, sorry you are depressed. I've been majorly depressed and anxious as hell coming up on a year now. Have years of history with it--so I know how hard it can be just to get through the fucking day. I also have really bad asthma and get sinus and respiratory tract infections a lot and that with after working in health care for 15 yrs I believe everyone should have health care too. I think we have a hard time not standing up to our parents because of the YEARS of brainwashing and they push our buttons because they installed them. I FINALLY stuck up for myself for the first time with my mother in May and I'm fucking 41. This is why people like you and me hate people. Also, I just put on my site that I gave you a lieber award. You don't have to follow all the rules of it. I just wanted to acknowledge you and your blog cuz I likes it. :-) Keep that underworld going!