yearbooks: blackmailing people since forever

one of the more interesting horrific aspects of finally going through all those storage bins i pilfered from my mom's attic, is that i found a lot of memorabilia.  

namely, my yearbooks.

i have them dating back to 6th grade, but i won't terrify you with my 6th grade picture.  or the shirt i was wearing.  thanks, mom.

7th grade.  if you could see my picture from 6th grade, it looks as if i've aged 2 - 3 years by the time this was taken.  but no, i was thirteen.
notice the incessant cowlick.  i will never get rid of that fucker.  instead i finally figured out how to "style" (aka mash it down) around it.

this was probably me at the height of my "popularity."  they still hated me, but you get certain "respect" when you're a cheerleader, yo. even if you are in the 8th grade.

i'm going to blame this on spirit week, because i have no idea why i would have sprayed my hair with that orange color otherwise.  at least it was temporary...
and at least the snipey yearbook staff refrained from actual insults.

8th grade photographer?  i hate you.  you can see it in my eyes.
probably my least flattering picture in the history of all time, where i'm not making some sort of weird face.

freshman year.  our photos are nearly indistinguishable, because we could only wear white polo shirts that year.  to this day, i will not wear khaki, or white.  fuck those "colors."

want to know the best way to make an entire school clinically depressed?  stick them in neutral colors usually reserved for use in preppy assholes' house paint, in a grey school.  ugh.

sophomore year.  i fucking hate this picture.  i can't quite explain why, but i do.

i made history in my school, by being the first person to bring a same-sex date to prom. and she wore a tux, woo!
i'm still proud of this.
that, and we dominated the prom page (usually filled with the popular assholes) with this picture.  booya!

oh, junior year.  you were so unremarkable, i don't remember a damn thing about you.  but my hair was really dark, i can see that.

oh thanks dude, thanks for putting me in the yearbook looking really fucking confused in science class.

i have to admit though, it's nice when you finally get a few pictures in the yearbook where you're not directly staring holes into the dipshit photographer.
and that's what happens to my hair, when i have layers.  never again.

for some completely unknown reason, i decided to try to color correct my dark hair, right before senior portraits.  one of my friends later commented that i looked like i had a "rug on my head."  you can't see as well in this picture, but my hair did go from blonde, all the way to dark burgundy at the bottom, so... yeah.  i probably did look like a rug.  yeesh.

just in case my "rug-hair" wasn't bad enough, seniors also got a small space that their parents or friends could dedicate to them.  i okayed the pictures my mom put in the ad....
 right before i broke up with the above complete douchebag.  gah!  so now, whenever i see my senior yearbooks, i still have to see his asshole face.  no es bueno.

i considered not blacking out fucktard's face, because frankly i think people should be warned never to date this dipshit, but perhaps i'll save that for another day.

after all, i AM Satan.  i reserve the rights to shit-talk about my enemies, any day, any time.

people feel compelled to give me insanely random things, part 2:

part 1 is here...

my dad and i, on one of our infamous happy-hour margaritas dinners...

this man is the instigator of most of the random things that i have ever received.  he delights in finding the most ridiculous things, and gifting them to me. 

for example:  this statue.

yes, that's exactly what you think it is.

to be fair, he didn't *give* this one to me, because he found a buyer for it.  (i only get the random things that don't sell, or things he picks out for me.)
but as soon as i got in the car, he delighted in pulling this little statue out for my approval.
i laughed SO. HARD.

i have no idea why he decided a pink fake-fur coat was lacking in my wardrobe - but it isn't now.
i'm just waiting for some halloween costume idea so i can wear this in public without fear of answering 20 questions about why the hell i would wear that, for fuck's sake!

Audrey Hepburn purse?  i haz one.

my dad was supportive of my stripper shoes, before i even became a stripper.

do you know what these are?

they're house shoes.  supposedly.

yes, the eyes open and shut, and the tail goes back & forth.  unfortunately it's now broken, so it's permanently stuck on 4:20.  oh, darn.

everyone needs a set of these for their car.  obviously!

note to self:  fans are actually handy in the south.  maybe i should stick this in my purse or something...

when i was a kid in my dad' antiques shop, i lusted after this bell.  don't know why, but i did.  eventually he gave it to me as a gift, just to shut me up, i imagine.

i made the mistake once of telling my dad i needed candlesticks...
he got me a sun, moon, and stars set.

he also got me that behemoth, and a pair of those candelabras.  yeah.  so far, i think i've gotten about 8 candlesticks since that off-handed comment...

sometimes i get in the car, and i just get handed decorative things.  at least i can put jewelry in this!
which reminds me...

i often get no-reason-whatsoever jewelry.  not that i'm complaining!  but some of these items, i have no idea why he thought of me... a bone medallion, a silver liberty dollar medallion... and i don't know where the idea for the pearl set came from.  no.  idea.  
but i can almost guarantee that i have the most interesting jewelry out of anyone i know.
the malachite and lapis necklaces are both vintage art deco.  win!

am not!  what?

uh, oh.  this is gonna be good...

i don't even know what the fuck he was thinking here.  i SOOO don't own any of those items.  he doesn't either.

i love, love, love this one!  a sixties siamese cat lamp with light-up eyes?  YES!



here's where we depart from my dad's offerings, and go elsewhere.
my dorm RA from when i was a freshman, made these signs for each and every single one of us on her hall.  it has my name on it.  i don't know what she thought we were going to do with them...



i've had this tapestry ever since Anthony gave it to me Back In The Day... i lost it for a few years in all of my boxes, but LOOK i found it, love!  finally...



a shawl from India, for no reason, from one of my former teachers?  Alrighty then.

light-up Mardi Gras tambourine?  check...

my woodworking friend (NOT my ex-roommate, which would have made it even more weird...) even gave me a dildo once.
i don't even know.

proof that i used to be a Goth:  one of my exes gifted me this coffin purse.  i have absolutely no need for this.  sooo, if anyone is looking for a nice coffin purse... hit me up.


i'm not even immune from strange gifts from Matt.  he has impeccable taste, of course, and i always love them, but they're certainly off the beaten path.

for example, i'll ask for a new photo album, or seasons of Dexter, or books...

and i'll get supplies to make mead.  or an orange tree, and a swinging bench.  or a digital recorder.

at least people are always thinking of me!

Rumor-Mongers! or, Clearing Up Some Myths About Satan, Myself

it's come to my attention that there are a shit-ton of rumors about me, floating around. 

okay, bring on the misconceptions:

first, a tidbit that i found today:

so. not. true.

i hate the motherfucking DMV like anyone else on the planet.  evil abounds there.  and none of them are invited to my party.  asshat psycho motherfuckers.

from wikipedia:

"In the Book of Job, Satan is a member of the divine council, “the sons of God” who are subservient to God.  Satan in this capacity is many times translated as “the prosecutor,” and is charged by God to tempt humans and to report back to God all who go against His decrees."

hate to break it to y'all, but i sooo don't believe in god.  i only believe in throwing awesome parties.  

these guys are motherfucking insane.  i don't have a goddamn church!  jesus fuck, get this straight!  if y'all want to worship me, i'm RIGHT HERE.  (i like beer.  you could worship me with beer.)

this dude's an IMPOSTOR!!!  so is this guy, and this guy, and this guy, and...

and then there's these guys, spreading more rumors:

"Satan, being a spirit, is neither male nor female."  

 bullshit, do you see my tits?  well, do you???

all of these names are not mine.  

i'm just satan.  as i'm fond of saying, the devil is another bugger entirely.

you don't dedicate your soul to me.

i will, however, take tributes in the form of chocolate, alcohol (single malt scotch, if you please.  or daiquiris.), blog reading, twitter following, cash monies, gift cards to various book stores, love and devotion, your willingness to be my Minion, friendship, vacations to tropical islands, etcetera.  you know, the finer things in life.

none of these are right, either.  dicks.

do. not. want!  and those people think i'm terrible.

WHAT?  NO! nononononononono!  oh, for the love of me.

for fuck's sake!  why the hell would i bother?  like i said, i don't even believe in that "god" guy anyway.

these people are insane!  i... don't even have words.

well this nutjob has one thing right:  i do vote democrat.

ugh, this misinformation is too much to wade through!

suffice to say:

i was never and am NOT a nazi,

i don't condone killing puppies, kittens or virgins... (although the latter probably does need a good "deflowering"),

cats are my furry little demon Minions,

Obama is NOT in league with me (but i would definitely hang out with him),

Hell = parties.  not brimstone, or all of that other shit,

the christians sure do have it out for me for no good reason (okay, maybe some good reason - namely, that i enjoy having FUN),

 i like cheesecake, 

Hell is a lovely 75 - 80 degrees constantly (the better to wear swimsuits or be naked),

for the last time, i'm not in cahoots with "god!"

hopefully this will clear up some shit.  if not... sigh.  

well, they've been trashing my name for centuries, they're probably not gonna stop now.

fuckers!

i made y'all some shit! you'll thank me.

you'll remember when this went down, i'm sure.  well, i've done something!

my store is here.   you can get excellent t-shirt choices, such as "SATAN THINKS I'M COOL," and "SATAN'S MINION."  whichever you feel applies more. 

and now, the lovely Lisa Galaviz is promoting for me!!!
just in case that wasn't enough, she also provided a few other options for me...
she's gonna be my new official Right-Hand-Commander of Minions.
obviously, she can get the job done.

(if anyone else is lusting after a spot on my high command... do let me know.  tell me a few things about yourself.   list talents first, then weaknesses.  the weaknesses will probably be more interesting.) 

either store is completely authorized by me, i'm not gonna make much (or any) money off this store, i just want to have fun.  (heheheh.)  i'll be creating more products as i go along, probably.

i laughed really hard today when i got on a website with ads, and the first thing i saw was this:

now, i need an iPhone, just to properly appreciate myself.  although, i'm thinking i might make my own personal one.  obviously i already know i'm cool.

you typed what?

four!  four page searches, for this phrase:

 "who plays anggie n rony on shake it up"

 i can't even believe this phrase pulls up my blog.  but it does.  on the front page, no less.  weird.

three! three page searches for the following phrases:

"essss"

"satan help to sing"

"your wife is hot billboard new orleans"

okay, the "your wife is hot" billboard makes sense.  i may be one of the few who have written about it.  i'm on google's front page.

but really, who is going to ask about satan teaching them how to sing?  (granted, i could, but i really doubt i can over the internet...)  but it is the first link that pulls up on google.  oookay.

and as far as "esss" goes, my blog doesn't even pull up within the first ten google pages, sooo... how the hell did 3 people find me with this search term?  fuck i'm confused.

i also have a problem: this website, tattoodesignsvault dot com (and no i'm not linking it, because they don't need any business from me).  i'm getting a lot of referrals from them.
i have no idea how this is happening, but i don't like it.
the reason i don't like it, is that the only reason a tattoo site would be linking to me, is if they've stolen the design of my back piece.  and since it is a custom design, that is HIGHLY NOT COOL.

not to mention that i can't figure out if they have my design or not, because you have to pay to enter their tattoo designs pages.  ASSHOLES.

if i do find out that they've stolen my design, i'm gonna rip them a new asshole.

KINKY!!!

my BFFFL Anthony, has been the Bonnie to my Clyde for many years now.
we have good times.
i think he and i first cemented our relationship when he got shitfaced this one time, and i had to wrestle him out of his leather pants and put him in my bed.  first thing he said when he got up wasn't "where are my damn pants???" but instead, "damnit, you're such a cuddler!"

thanks to Anthony, i've accrued a couple of firsts, this week.  

he called me today to gush about his new Dude, who seems really amazing, if i can gauge this man through Anthony's viewpoint, and a phone. 

annnyway, we were chatting, and he goes, "Oh!  I have to tell you this."

now.  whenever these words come out of Anthony's mouth, i always know something really good's coming.

"I thought of you during sex!!!"
"WHAT?"
"Yeah, we (he & his dude) were having fun kinda throwing each other around a bit, and I was imagining you saying how smaller guys were so fun, because you could throw them around, and then I imagined that evil grin of yours, and I couldn't help it, I laughed during sex.  He asked me what I was laughing about and I was like... I'll tell you later."

he went on, blissfully describing his man, until he spurted out this gem:  "oh, I'm getting all horny just thinking about him!"
i said, "so...  this is also the first time i've given a gay man a hard on... over the phone."
"Exactly!"  he said.

my Hell Party is gonna be the best party of all time.

i throw the best parties.

it's not a guest post really, but it IS a post ABOUT me - check it out over at LGalaviz's website.  she was awesome enough to recognize MY awesomeness, and point people over in the direction of my twitter, and my blog.  SOOO, if there are any new readers around here, welcome to my crazy.

some people have been talking to me about exactly what kind of Hell i Preside Over:

and i'm here to tell you, i throw the best parties. 

this all started on twitter, naturally.















































things that are required in my Hell:  
a sense of humor.
delicious drinks, alcoholic and non-alcoholic.
snacks, and other edibles.
party & dance music.
partiers.
some naked people running around.
several pools and hot tubs.
sex.  lots of sex.
drugs.
we will be rendered incapable of vomiting from drinking too much.
ditto incapable of being too full from the yummy food.
we can't gain weight.
periodic high-fives for me, Satan
we will have motorcycles and other fast, speedy things.  like ferrari.
whatever drugs you choose to do, you can't get addicted or overdose.

hmm.  am i forgetting anything?  y'all gotta let me know.  i have to make sure i have ALLL the fun shit.


basically my Hell, it's fucking heaven: without all that pesky hymns, praising, and annoying good/perfect people all around.

instead, we let in wicked fun people, and don't bother with the asshole goody-two shoes, and other ridiculous posturing.  





anyone else want to make the shortlist?  check out my twitter, come on in!