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Thursday, July 14, 2011

Rumor-Mongers! or, Clearing Up Some Myths About Satan, Myself

it's come to my attention that there are a shit-ton of rumors about me, floating around. 
okay, bring on the misconceptions:

first, a tidbit that i found today:

i hate the motherfucking DMV like anyone else on the planet.  evil abounds there.  and none of them are invited to my party.  asshat psycho motherfuckers.

"In the Book of Job, Satan is a member of the divine council, “the sons of God” who are subservient to God.  Satan in this capacity is many times translated as “the prosecutor,” and is charged by God to tempt humans and to report back to God all who go against His decrees."

hate to break it to y'all, but i sooo don't believe in god.  i only believe in throwing awesome parties.  

these guys are motherfucking insane.  i don't have a goddamn church!  jesus fuck, get this straight!  if y'all want to worship me, i'm RIGHT HERE.  (i like beer.  you could worship me with beer.)

this dude's an IMPOSTOR!!!  so is this guy, and this guy, and this guy, and...

and then there's these guys, spreading more rumors:
"Satan, being a spirit, is neither male nor female."  
 bullshit, do you see my tits?  well, do you???

i'm just satan.  as i'm fond of saying, the devil is another bugger entirely.

i will, however, take tributes in the form of chocolate, alcohol (single malt scotch, if you please.  or daiquiris.), blog reading, twitter following, cash monies, gift cards to various book stores, love and devotion, your willingness to be my Minion, friendship, vacations to tropical islands, etcetera.  you know, the finer things in life.

do. not. want!  and those people think i'm terrible.

WHAT?  NO! nononononononono!  oh, for the love of me.

for fuck's sake!  why the hell would i bother?  like i said, i don't even believe in that "god" guy anyway.

these people are insane!  i... don't even have words.

ugh, this misinformation is too much to wade through!

suffice to say:

i was never and am NOT a nazi,
i don't condone killing puppies, kittens or virgins... (although the latter probably does need a good "deflowering"),
cats are my furry little demon Minions,
Obama is NOT in league with me (but i would definitely hang out with him),
Hell = parties.  not brimstone, or all of that other shit,
the christians sure do have it out for me for no good reason (okay, maybe some good reason - namely, that i enjoy having FUN),
 i like cheesecake, 
Hell is a lovely 75 - 80 degrees constantly (the better to wear swimsuits or be naked),
for the last time, i'm not in cahoots with "god!"

hopefully this will clear up some shit.  if not... sigh.  
well, they've been trashing my name for centuries, they're probably not gonna stop now.

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