Welcome to Hell

Welcome to hell. Please take a number. Her Evilness will be with you when she damn well feels like it.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

things that make me irrationally angry

Verizon's "Big Red" commercial. the line "you'll watch youtube on a horse....when you use it!!!" gets stuck in my head like superglue, so every time this fucking commercial comes on, i shriek "MUTE IT, MUTE IT, MUTE IT!!!" until Matt grabs the remote.

Crumbs. FUCK YOU, CRUMBS. you are everywhere. all over my goddamn counter, even though i cleaned it just two days ago, since my mother came to town and she's a neat freak, and you're already BACK ON MY COUNTER! I HATE YOU!!!

Kitty litter. it's not the litter, it's the fact that the cat tracks the litter all over the fucking bathroom: into MY TUB, and MY SINK, and all over the tile where i have to put my BARE FEET at 4am when i'm half-awake and not looking where i'm stepping. fuck you, litter. or maybe, fuck you, Fuzzbutt.

Dirty dishes sitting in scummy, cold water. HURK! URGHHH! RUN!!! ::pant, pant:: this is why i cook dinner, in hopes that i can guilt the Matt into washing said dishes. and usually this works, which is why i love the Matt.

Coasters that stick to the bottom of a wet glass. well, technically this is Matt's irrational hatred, because he is a bit jumpy and every time he lifts a beer and a coaster comes clattering to the floor, he is very startled.

Bartenders who don't understand simple directions. look, if i come into your family restaurant, and i want a double bourbon, neat, in a highball, DO NOT GIVE ME WHISKEY, WITH ICE, IN A FUCKING PINT GLASS, YOU DIM TWAT. if i can do your job better than you AND I HAVE NO BARTENDING TRAINING, then come on, patently i need your job more than you.

Rabid Conservatives and/or Rabid Religious Types. no, wait, that's not irrational, never mind.

Sand on Hardwood floors. that gritty feeling...so damn creepy. actually, any sort of debris that i can feel on my feet on my floor. you'd think this would make me a clean freak...

Plants that die because i forget to water them. DAMN YOU, WHY DO YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO GUILTY???

Brick Weed. i just lived in Portland, Oregon for four years. DON'T GIVE ME THIS CRAP.... y'all growers can do better, AND I KNOW IT!

high fructose corn syrup. fucker, i am trying to avoid you. to be "healthy" and shit. WHY ARE YOU IN BLOODY EVERYTHING I LOVE?

all i can think of for now, although i am sure there are others.
like you wannabe "gangsta" motherfuckers, lookin' like a fool with your pants belted around your thighs. i don't care how big you think it is, YOUR DICK WON'T HOLD UP YOUR PANTS. and your underwear is fugly.

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