your use of "ironic" fashion obligates me to hate you

1. MULLETS.
i don't care what your stylist said. i don't care if it's "in" again. we already suffered through this style in the eighties, and i don't know about you, but i was there for the eighties, and for the record, they SUCKED.

2. UBIQUITOUS USE OF PLAID.
plaid, if it's flannel plaid, is useful. useful for camping, and being a logger. (if you are in fact, a logger, you are totally excused, wear plaid always.) don't get me wrong, i don't hate plaid. i just hate that all of a sudden, you're wearing it EVERY DAY.

3. SANDALS AND SOCKS.
obviously if you need socks, it's too damn cold for sandals. and if it's warm enough for sandals, they don't need socks. come on, everyone. this is a basic concept. i learned it in middle school, through constructive ridicule.

4. CAMEL TOE.
is. not. sexy. please, for the sake of everyone, buy your pants/shorts a bit bigger. this goes for all you men, too. we don't need to see your balls divided, son. besides, aren't y'all just dying in those pants? (please, men - keep wearing skinny jeans - just not stranglingly tight, kay?)

5. HIGH WAISTS.
approximately 5% of the world's population looks good in a high waist; leave them to it. the rest of you...just because american apparel sells it, does NOT mean it will look good on you. and the mom jeans, well, name says it all. BELONG ON MOM. hell, even my mom won't wear them. go mom.

6. DORKY GLASSES WITHOUT LENSES.
some of us are cursed with shitty eyesight. we wear glasses or contacts. but you, without your lenses....please, go punch yourself. especially if you work at american apparel, and your frames are vintage eighties. you look like a tool. and hey, you won't even break your lenses!

7. TUBE TOPS.
should only be worn by strippers, and even then...still tacky. it is possible to be a non-tacky stripper, but it is not possible to not be tacky in a tube top.


THINGS THAT ROCK THE WORLD OF FASHION, AND ALWAYS WILL:
real vintage. if you buy it in a thrift store, go you. you are probably like me: poor, yet quasi-fashionable, and probably really quirky. (if you buy it in a thrift store to be "cool," we need to have a meeting. my foot, your ass. stop making my cheap clothes expensive, asshole.)

50's style dresses. not everyone can pull off the look, but if you can do it, you always look great doing it. keep doing it.

hippie skirts. i like hippies. i like their skirts. if you're not a hippie you might look silly in one, but who cares? peace and love, man! want some acid?

things that flatter your body. if in doubt... don't wear it. if you look fabulous, who cares if it's ten years old, you still look fabulous.

confidence is key, y'all. if you don't know if you like it, don't wear it. if it's a fad created by the hipsters, you probably really don't want to go there. if you like it, keep it. enjoy, have fun, and remember: spandex is a privilege, not a right.