Welcome to Hell

Welcome to hell. Please take a number. Her Evilness will be with you when she damn well feels like it.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

FUCK silicone lube, up its little slippery ass

and i thought lesbian erotica was the devil.

last night, i had another bachelor party experience. 
this deviated from your normal bachelor party, in that they wanted "oil wrestling."
so we were told.

when we arrived at the Ritz Carlton (no, really) for this "oil" wrestling, the guys had laid out an entire tarp, and removed most of the furniture. 

mr. bachelor then explained the rules:  we won if we made the other girl tap out, we won if we pinned the other girl for a certain amount of seconds (i forget how many), and we won if we "penetrated" the other girl for a certain amount of seconds. 

yes, you read that right.  

we had four girls for this party:  two of us tough, two of us, not so much.  more the clawing sort.  well, in the case of the one i fought, anyway.  the weeniest of the girls was out of the wrestling in about 7 seconds flat. 

there were two rounds, with two girls each, and then:  mr. bachelor got into the action.  he had to have been 250+, and we still managed to beat the crap out of him.  and i'm pretty sure i won by "penetration."

then they had us wrestling some scrawny-looking dude - who we later found out was a fucking black belt in several martial arts... goddamnit.

end total for the night? 
i won one round by myself, one round with all the girls against mr. bachelor, and i soundly lost the "rematch" girl round, and miserably lost the round against mr black belt.  motherfucker.

but really, what all this boils down to:

three throat scratches,

one badly clawed boob,

and my hair?

yeah.  at this point, i'm going to mention that instead of your typical oil wrestling, these guys had the bright idea to use lube, instead.

which wouldn't have been the worst idea in the world, if they had just stuck with the water-based lube.  granted, once you get into the shower with it, it just lubes back up (creating, at the time, a very slippery shower party possibly resulting in moshing) and you're sliding around like you're on ice skates.

but, in addition to the water-based lube, they added silicone lube.  which i'm sure is nice when you're fucking and all, but when you get mass amounts of that shit in your hair??

well.  let's just say that if i wrapped my hair around someone, i could lube them up.


that wet look, above?  it's not wet.  it is, however, lubey.

and that is after three showers, and in between 10 - 15 shampoos/soaping of my hair. 
i have tried everything.
i have washed my hair with 3 different shampoos, 3 bars of soap,  dr. jesus's magical hippy soap,  and Matt's pert plus.

i even tried body oil in my hair, in the hopes that perhaps it would counteract the fucking silicone.
it may have helped.


i mean, after the second third? round of vigorous scrubbing, it looks a bit better.

but still.  

the good news is, i won't have any dry hair problems for months.

AAANND, welcome to carnival....

1 comment:

Andygirl said...

lube in my hair just sounds nasty. *shudder*

and tell those girls to stop chewing your boob. boobs are to be treated nicer than that!