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Friday, July 1, 2011

no ladyboners for me. boo.

let me preface this entire post with this very important context.

i am evidently fucking kryptonite, when it comes to dating the ladies.

it always starts out like this:  random meeting, or email exchange.  we decide we like each other enough to meet.
so we go out for coffee, a few dates.
sometimes, it leads to kissing.  sometimes it leads to awesome sex.  but no matter how well anything goes, the lady in question just... stops speaking to me.

it goes from sporadic texting on her end, to silence when i text or call.  and then i just never see her again, because i'm not about to be all stalky with someone who doesn't want to talk to me.
(i save the stalky for the really, really good ones.) 

sometimes they're facebook "friends" with me still, but the type that never really speak to each other. 

i always wonder why/what happens.  i mean, i assume i wasn't horrible.  (just slightly Satan.  ahem.)  i'm really upfront about who i am (and whom i date), and they still go out with me. (why, i'm still not sure.  heh)

to be fair, some of them are still my friends, and have not hit me with radio silence.  and i love them.  but still!
(btw gals, if anyone has a problem with your picture on here, i'll take it down.)

things that have actually been said to me:

"i don't have any friends who would date someone like you."  (not 100% lez & dating a dude.)  wow.

me: "hey, want to come over and smoke pot and have sex with me?"
her: "um yeah... no, that's cool, but thanks."

"um yeah, we'll meet up aga-  i mean, sometime.  see ya!"  yeah right!

after the first time we'd had sex - "i love you!"  argh, run away!!! 

"i'm straight, you know that."  hope springs eternal.

"i'm... just not ready."  crap!

"yeah, you're just curious.  no thanks."  really?  i've been pretty homo for a decade...

"oh i don't know... if i didn't have a boyfriend, then maybe?"

after sex...  "uh, i just need some alone time." 

"well, we're just better as friends."  damnit.

"just... no."

"if i weren't married, i would fuck you every day."  as opposed to fucking me occasionally in empty classrooms, professor...

[picture withheld to protect the guilty, you know who you are...]

i knew one who took up with a traveler man, and just... left town.  jeez, you didn't have to avoid me that much!

shit, my first girl crush stopped hanging out with & talking to me, and we had previously been best friends.

my first girlfriend...

well, let's just say i moved from the South to Portland, for a good reason.

lest you think i'm a complete and total fool in the sheets, i'll at least provide these:

my good friend, a week before i moved to portland:  "i wish i would have gotten up the courage to have sex with you years ago!"  damn you, timing!

"if i didn't have a girlfriend, i would fuck the shit out of you."  "threesome???"  alas, no.

"would date you if i was in town."  unfortunately, she is a member of the Armed Services and currently not even in the friggin country.

"i love you!!!  best.  fuck.  ever."  well, that is pretty fucking flattering.  oh, do stroke my ego.  oh - yes, right there.  right there.

there might be hope for my sad condition.

right now, i am sorta kinda seeing (as opposed to dating) someone.
she is pretty awesome.
however, i can't figure out if she wants to be friends, or if she wants to fuck.


 it's enough to raise anyone's hair.

1 comment:

PorkStar said...

Some of them sounded like a real OUCH... but dont let that keep you from looking for the right partner in crime. I was in an open relationship before and it was awesome!