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Welcome to hell. Please take a number. Her Evilness will be with you when she damn well feels like it.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

how not to injure yourself all the effing time - UPDATED UPDATE!

number one, first and foremost:  have good vision.  if your eyes don't see in 3-d so well... you're kinda fucked, and destined to hit yourself on everything - but most often, the coffee table.

number two:  don't take ballet.  no, seriously.  ballet may make you graceful on a stage, but it doesn't translate so well into real life.  every ballerina i've ever known who was well-trained experienced the same annoyance.  we called it the "ballerina's curse."
see, ballerinas are trained to never, ever, ever look at the floor.  eyes up and ahead, ladies!  up to the stage lights!  
when you get out into the real world, never looking at the ground is a fucking safety hazard.  that's the other reason i trip over shit and run into the coffee table.  consequently, i have constant unexplainable bruises.  they'll be huge and i won't even notice until Matt points them out.  then i don't know how they happened, because i run into shit all the damn time.

don't be fucking crazy! otherwise, random strangers will think it's totally cool to talk to you about your "problems" and touch your arms.  um, no. 
additionally, don't be an unmedicated bipolar teenager.  avoid that, too.

also, don't have terrible, terrible break-ups, and be fucking crazy simultaneously.
take the damn crazy pills!

don't need to have blood drawn, and then have to work immediately after at a strip club, where you use that same arm & elbow to swing around the pole.  otherwise, your bruises won't go away for a week.  yep.  aren't y'all glad i tried that out, so you don't have to?

don't work at a cowboy-themed bar, and back into someone wearing spurs.  really, don't.  those fuckers are sharp, and you will have a line of spur marks down your leg that are utterly impossible to explain.

don't accidentally step on a dog's paw.  or if you do, make sure that the dog in question isn't a vicious piece of shit biting mongrel who makes you bleed, and later, scar.  fucker.

don't get your foot stomped on, twice, probably very intentionally, by your piece of shit "boss" in above mentioned cowboy bar.  additionally, they really need to make steel-toed cowboy boots, pronto.

you should also probably avoid catching the longest nail you have on your clothing, and ripping that fucker off.  yeah.  definitely don't do that.

don't worry though, that's not blood.  it's iodine.  i don't need any fingernail infections.

i've been down that road once before.  i was a kid, and it got all infected and pus-y underneath my fingernail... well, that fingernail has never been the same since.  for the longest time it had this huge bump underneath it, but thankfully that went away sometime in high school.

don't try to dead-leg someone when he knows MMA, because he will jerk his knee up and whack the everloving shit out of that bone on your wrist.  because that shit will immediately start swelling.

of course, what makes it worse is that it's your fault, really.  and your wrist will hurt like fuck the next day, and be swollen and bruised.

do feel free to take it out on the bearer of the aforementioned knee.  because he's a masochist, and fond of pain.  do everything but draw blood.  doesn't that feel better, now?


of course, 30 minute later when his skin is like magic-healing, you'll be disappointed.  but still.  worth it!

in short?  don't be a klutz, don't be me, and uh, don't get drunk enough to fall down stairs in high heels.  i can tell you from experience that it's a reeeallly bad idea.

as though that whore, mother nature, had intended me to REALLY get my point across, i fell down my front steps today.

see, what had happened was...

our stairs are really slick when it's raining, which it has been doing all week, on and off.  i was wearing flip flops, and going outside to call the cat from our porch.
i take one step down, and next thing i know, i'm bouncing on my ass straight down the stairs, which are concrete.  at least i got stopped by the railing, otherwise i imagine i'd have gone all the way down.

so yeah.  these are the steps.

and this is the utterly massive bruising and swelling that my little adventure today got me.  and funny enough, i imagine it'll look even worse tomorrow, so i may post that too, if i feel so inclined.

my ass hurts.

so yeah.  in short?  how to NOT injure yourself all the fucking time, is evidently to NOT be me.
now you know!


i was right.  it is sooooo much worse this morning.  in fact, i took pictures of it all night as it got worse.  i was in disbelief.

see how excited i am, that it hurts like hell to sit on my ass?  note: sarcasm completely intended.

there's nothing quite like taking pictures of your bruised-up ass to post them on the internet.

so, this is today.  quite bright.  i imagine it'll be gone, oh i dunno, two weeks from now???

the injuries around here seem to be catching.  so now we're calling the Fuzzbutt Scarface, until further notice.


MFA Mama said...

Oh plus also? Don't be ME! Don't have a mild bleeding disorder, let alone a genetic syndrome that causes you to bruise like an overripe banana AND be a former ballerina, because seriously? You'll have to break in new partners, who will notice some ginormous fucking bruise on you and go "OMG WHAT HAPPENED?!?" and then give you the wonky-eye when you're all "why...oh, wow. Yeah, I dunno." They totally won't believe you at first. Eventually they MIGHT accept that you seriously don't know why you have ginormous bruises 80% of the time, because you don't have to hit yourself that hard and therefore that impressive bruise may be the result of something that was entirely unmemorable for you, or they might accuse you of secretly being a blackout drunk prior to actually living with you and seeing that no, you're just kind of cursed.

Satan said...

oh no, yikes! i think you win the bruising contest, MFAMama!

heh if you put us in a room together, i wonder who would run into the coffee table first? lol.
perhaps we'd just rush in together and whack our shins.
klutzes untie! unite! whatever!